I think it’s safe to say Dwayne Johnson is the biggest star in the world. He hasn’t had a movie flop since 2014’s Hercules, and that thing was impossible to sell. He’s graced the cover of just about any magazine you could name, he’s scientifically the most likable man alive, he’s the highest-paid actor, one of the most influential people, and Muscle and Fitness‘ “Man of the Century” (a bit early on that one, guys). So, if you wanted to make an over-the-top, grotesquely indulgent, action/comedy reboot of Baywatch, who else put Johnson to take the reins?
Of course, Baywatch suffers from a number of flaws straight out the gate. It’s an obvious cash-in, a blatant attempt to ride the wave of Phil Lord and Chris Miller’s 2012 masterpiece 21 Jump Street. The thing is, Baywatch isn’t really a premise that lends itself to a reboot as well as Jump Street does. Also, Seth Gordon’s a fine director, his documentaries are amazing, but he’s no Lord/Miller. Also, and this is the one that’s tough to swallow: Channing Tatum and Jonah Hill are much funnier than Dwayne Johnson and Zac Efron. Sure, Johnson and Efron are hot. They’re really solid character actors. They’ve been in some great comedies. But they can’t carry a comedy themselves, and the film chose to really make them do the heavy lifting by filling out the rest of the cast with unknown and unmemorable actors.
One of the main problems with Baywatch is that it’s over-the-top, but it’s based on a property that was already over-the-top, and doesn’t necessarily go the extra mile. As a result, it’s always hard to tell whether or not it’s being serious. Is the dialogue meant to be this corny? Was that misogyny genuine or ironic? It doesn’t help that there are a handful of jokes in the movie so corny and cringeworthy that they wouldn’t have been out of place in the original show. With Jump Street, it was clear from the very beginning to the very end that the entire film was not meant to be taken seriously, and they stuffed it to the brim with some of the best comedic moments in film history.
So Baywatch is no Jump Street, but does it fly on its own? Eh. There were definitely a handful of genuinely funny moments, the plot was engaging enough, and I’ll say this: Seth Gordon’s strongest suit has always been cinematography. Some of the shots in this movie are incredible. Also, I don’t know who curated the soundtrack, but I want to go to their house party. There are so many great songs in this movie, and most of them fit with their scenes really well (“Everyday” by A$AP Rocky is a hard one to pull off, so I don’t blame them for floundering a little). Other than that, yeah, it’s not very good. They couldn’t even squeeze any good material out of Hannibal Buress.
For all it’s hit-or-miss attempts at humor, suffocating product placement, and tone-deaf delivery, I’m giving Baywatch a 34/100. It’s not hard to sit through, but when you really break it down it reveals itself as a real shit-show. If you were planning on seeing it and you’ve seen everything else, go ahead. But definitely don’t go out of your way for it.