Video game movies have been… unlucky in the past. Of the 29 films adapted from video games released so far, even the very best-received entries, Mortal Kombat and Resident Evil, boast a paltry 33% on Rotten Tomatoes. Luckily for us, Hollywood has 61 more attempts on the way, according to Wikipedia, so hopefully they’ll get at least one of them right. For now, let’s talk about the latest video game movie, Hitman: Agent 47. Is it up to snuff? And is it any worse than the other Hitman movie from 2007?

Considerably, yes. I don’t even know where to begin with this trainwreck, so let’s start with some highlights:

Zachary Quinto is the hero for the first half hour, then inexplicably becomes the villain despite not doing anything wrong.

Agent 47, who we are supposed to consider the hero, steals a child’s inhaler, kills the main character’s father on purpose, tranquilizes the lead for no reason, and countless other transgressions that make for a rather solid villain.

The female protagonist can see the future and ultimately uses this power once.

CGI scenes clearly completed in 1998.

A car’s tires create a sea of white smoke for some reason.

The “villain” is said to have subdermal armor made out of heavy, rigid titanium, but moves around just fine.

The big twist is that the character whose name is French for 90 is actually Agent 90.

This exchange actually happens:

“Don’t do this!”

“I have to!”


Zachary Quinto is the only competent actor in the movie.

I trust that will be enough. I give it a D+, because it’s actually really fun to watch if you go in knowing it won’t be good. Like this post if you like it, follow my blog if you like it like it, comment if you’ve got something to say, follow me on Twitter @BreakingPOORLY, and be on the lookout for more (probably better) articles in the future.