So it starts and there’s this like really old Middle Eastern structure but there’s a plane flying over it and it’s like VWOOSH and then there’s a bunch of explosions and action and they’re interrogating this one guy and they give him ten seconds to talk but then PCHWWW he explodes then we flash forward 17 years, now it’s nowadays and we’re in Argentina and Mark Hamill’s been kidnapped and the guys are waiting for their boss but instead this other guy’s there and he kills them all and almost saves the day but then this girl with like fucking blades for feet shows up and SLICES HIM IN HALF and then we find out that she’s working for SAMUEL L JACKSON and he’s all, “Hey Mark Hamill I have a proposition for you” and then we’re in England and someone’s telling the wife of the guy that got killed that that happened and he gives this medal to her kid for safekeeping but then it turns out Mark Hamill’s still alive and the Kingsmen need to find someone to replace the guy that got killed and Colin Firth finds the kid who’s a lot older now and he’s like, “Hey kid you wanna join the Kingsmen” and the kid’s like “nah” but then Colin Firth beats up the people that bully the kid and the kid’s like “OK I guess” so the kid gets recruited into Kingsmen and he meets different bullies and then their first challenge is that the room they’re in starts filling up with water and they need to find a way to survive and the kid whose name is Eggsy for some reason breaks the two-way mirror and they get out and then they have to go skydiving and one of them doesn’t have a parachute and UGGGH its all so cool but at the same time a bunch of celebrities like Iggy Azalea and the princess of Sweden or whatever are getting kidnapped and it turns out that Samuel L Jackson is behind it because he figures global warming is like a fever and mankind is a virus and he needs to wipe out most of mankind except for a chosen few in order to save the planet so he gives everyone free internet but the sim cards send out a signal that causes aggression and eliminates inhibition so he can just have everyone with the chip kill each other and so the Kingsmen have to team up and fight Samuel L and the girl with the blade feet but then some of the Kingsmen are on Samuel’s side and also Colin Firth dies and ugggggh this movie is SO COOL YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND. A-.

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