This wasn’t a great year for music. Sure, it had its moments, but there were a lot of shitty new artists putting out shitty new music. I think you all know the one artist I’m particularly frustrated about. Regardless, here are my picks for the worst hit songs of the year. “Hit” refers to a song that made it onto Billboard’s Year End list. Let’s begin.

5. FANCY by Iggy Azalea ft. Charli XCX

What is it about Iggy Azalea that’s so intolerable? Perhaps it’s her blatant, unapologetic racism and homophobia. Maybe it’s her terrible lyrics. Whatever the case may be, she was the breakout star of the year in music, and this was her big hit. The DJ Mustard-lite beat suits Iggy’s uninspired, derivative lyrics just fine. To be fair, Charli XCX does a fine job, although her booming vocals really call for a better beat than whatever this is.

4. TEAM by Lorde

I never really cared for Lorde as an artist. I like a lot of her music and I like her as a person, but something about her style always just sort of rubbed me the wrong way. On an unrelated note, I fucking hate this song. I already reviewed it, so you can find that and see how bad a writer I was a year ago.

3. DON’T TELL ‘EM by Jeremih ft. YG

This song is boring, inept, and could easily make the #1 spot in a better year. Let’s look at some of the songster’s insightful lyrics. “Don’t you worry ’bout it, might gon’ work it out/Only is you got me feeling like this (oh why why why why why).” A very interesting question you pose, Jeremih. Why only is you got me feeling like this? The next line is, naturally, “Loving while grabbing the rhythm your hips (that’s right right right right right).” If this is supposed to be AAVE, it’s pretty fucking butchered. Then we get to the verse of Young Gangster, colloquially known as YG. It’s a pretty standard “steal your girl” verse, with a few baffling lines thrown in the mix in true YG fashion. “She wanna suck my dick, and I’m cool with it.” Thanks for clarifying, YG. I’d assumed you were a staunch opponent to the notion of my girlfriend sucking your dick. Glad to see you’re an easygoing guy. “On my late night thirsty, ’cause it was late night and I was thirsty.” Truly a remarkable display of lyricism on the part of YG. Bringing new meaning to the term “late night thirsty,” which I’m sure someone used at some point, to say that it means “late night thirsty.” Genius! I’m not interested in exploring this song any further. It’s awful.

2. WIGGLE by Jason Derulo ft. Snoop Dogg

Jason Derulo has reinvented himself and, for the most part, it’s been for the better. “Talk Dirty” was a masterfully produced party song and “Trumpets” wasn’t half-bad either. That being said… “Wiggle.” I don’t even know how where to start with why this song is so bad. The beat is made on a fucking recorder. The lyrics are dumb and misogynistic, not that I’m expecting a feminist rallying cry from Jason Derulo and Snoop Dogg, but there’s got to be a limit. That being said, Snoop’s verse isn’t awful. It’s one of those modern Snoop Dogg guest verses where you know he’s not really trying so it’s pretty impressive that he kind of pulls it off. Still, terrible, terrible song.

Before I unveil my #1, here are a few “honorable” mentions:

Dark Horse by Katy Perry ft. Juicy J

Rude by Magic!

All About That Bass by Meghan Trainor

Maps by Maroon 5

Loyal by Chris Brown ft. Lil Wayne and others

Animals by Maroon 5

Lifestyle by Rich Gang

23 by Miley Cyrus, Juicy J, and I think some other people

And the worst hit song of 2014 is…

#1. BLACK WIDOW by Iggy Azalea ft. Rita Ora

Oh boy. Where do I even start? Well, let’s begin with the chorus.

“I’m gonna love ya
Until you hate me
And I’m gonna show ya
What’s really crazy
You should’ve known better
Than to mess with me, honey
I’m gonna love ya, I’m gonna love ya
Gonna love ya, gonna love ya
Like a black widow, baby”

Apparently, this hook was written by Katy Perry. I guess that doesn’t surprise me, although it’s a bit odd since this song is a blatant ripoff of “Dark Horse.” I’m not sure why someone would want to advertise that she’ll love someone until they hate her. It seems like a way of turning people away from her. I’m being neutral because I don’t know anything about Rita Ora. For all I know, she’s pansexual. If she is, I’d still hate her. I had to copy and paste these from a lyrics website to figure out that she’s saying “honey” in the sixth line. It sounds like “harder” or “holla.” Both of which I could imagine white Rihanna Rita Ora saying in that context. She concludes by saying she’ll love you “like a black widow.” One could assume this is referring to black widows devouring their spiderboyfriends during sex, but that’s not really “loving” in the sense that the rest of the chorus seems to be. Unless she’s talking about aggressive, dangerous, unlikeable sex the whole time, which could make sense.

Iggy’s verses aren’t any better. They’re slightly above average for Iggy Azalea verses, but they still make no sense, don’t have an original bone in their body, and have a shoddy rhyme scheme that makes this entire song utterly detestable.

So, those are the worst songs of the year, in my opinion, of course. Like this post if you like it, comment on it if you comment it, follow me if you follow it, you can also follow me on Twitter @BreakingPOORLY, and as always…

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