I’m not a big fan of Ninja Turtles. I always found them to be a bit too bizarre and not all that entertaining. That being said, I have seen all the movies. They’re all shit. Well, the first one isn’t that bad, but it’s not good. And now, Michael Bay went ahead and made one! Of course, that’s a bit of a misconception. Bay actually just produced this movie. And he’s produced some decent flicks, like The Purge and the TV show Black Sails. No, the director of this movie is none other than Jonathan Liebesman, director of Wrath of the Titans and Battle Los Angeles. So… yay?

So like most people, I went into this movie expecting it to be terrible. I really wasn’t going to see it, but it just sort of worked out that way. And it surprised me, a little. Megan Fox did a slightly better job than I expected as April O’Neil and the Turtles were surprisingly true to the source material (well, depending on which source material).

Now, don’t get me wrong, this movie isn’t good by any stretch of the imagination. The plot makes no sense, the dialogue is cringeworthy at times, and it’s such a blatant and bizarre rip-off of The Amazing Spider-Man that it baffles me. Why Amazing Spider-Man? What about the Ninja Turtles source material is at all similar to The Amazing Spider-Man? And by the way, this movie makes ASM2 look like Citizen Kane. Even as one of fifteen people who liked ASM2, I know a dumb movie when I see one. And this is much dumber than ASM2.

Whoopi Goldberg, Will Arnett, and especially Taran Killam all make very convincing assholes. The only problem is, they’re all assholes. Arnett and Killam are practically the same character, and by the way, why doesn’t Taran Killam ever get to do anything? He was in this movie for literally one minute, which is more than I can say for Grown Ups 2, but it’s no compliment to say this movie one-ups Grown Ups 2.

Now let’s discuss why the plot makes no sense. While this film does answer some questions about the turtles’ origins, it fails to explain WHERE DONATELLO LEARNED TO DO MACHINES. And it’s a pretty glaring problem in this movie, especially when Donatello is wearing special high-tech Ned’s Declassified glasses the whole movies that he got WHERE EXACTLY? He even says at one point that he read about a certain programming language on the internet, but HOW DID HE HAVE INTERNET IN THE SEWERS?

But this leads to another glaring problem. When the turtles first meet/capture Megan Fox, they wipe her phone to get rid of a picture of the turtles she had. First of all, why not just delete the picture? But apparently, that is what he did, because the next day, she still has the PHOTO SHE TOOK IN THE SUBWAY SEVERAL HOURS BEFORE DONATELLO “WIPED HER PHONE.” And then when she’s talking to Sacks, she shows him a picture of the turtles. Wait, WHAT? Did she have another? If she did, why didn’t she show it to Whoopi Goldberg? Or Will Arnett?

The next big problem is the climax, which is only made possible by people standing around waiting for other people to have their emotional moments. At one point, the Shredder straight-up turns around and focuses on his computer while the turtles are RIGHT BEHIND HIM AND NOT EVEN INJURED. This happens several times. At another point, the turtles are in glass cases in labs and on the brink of death. April saves them by using the computer set up by Sacks and the Shredder to kill the turtles, to pump adrenaline into them. Wait, why did they make that an option? Why did they put adrenaline into the system? At the very end, when the computer says that there is one second left until the toxin disperses and is immediately disabled, for some reason, a little bit of toxin leaks out. What happened with that? Did someone die? Did it just filter out into the air?

At the very end, the turtles are falling off a building about to be crushed under the weight of a massive spire. And then… they stick the landing. THEY STICK THE FUCKING LANDING. They land on the ground and just kind of don’t get crushed. After that, in the “asshole gets his comeuppance” scene, the turtles show Will Arnett their new Turtlemobile, Arnett presses a button, and then a rocket launcher pops out and totals his car. Question: why was there a rocket launcher in the car? When would they need that? How did they get it? Did they build it? Did they build the car? And while we’re talking about cliche scenes, the scene where Megan Fox is the female reporter made to report ridiculous stories despite her talent just because she’s a woman is lifted directly from Anchorman.

So yeah, this movie gets a C+ from me. It’s fun, but it’s still a Michael Bay movie at heart. What were your thoughts on the movie? Let me know in the comments down below. Like if you like, favorite if you favorite, follow me on Twitter @BreakingPOORLY, and as always…

Liek dis if u cry everityem.