Reviews for Normal People

Hi. I review things.

Late Entry: The Amazing Turtle Men — August 27, 2014

Late Entry: The Amazing Turtle Men

I’m not a big fan of Ninja Turtles. I always found them to be a bit too bizarre and not all that entertaining. That being said, I have seen all the movies. They’re all shit. Well, the first one isn’t that bad, but it’s not good. And now, Michael Bay went ahead and made one! Of course, that’s a bit of a misconception. Bay actually just produced this movie. And he’s produced some decent flicks, like The Purge and the TV show Black Sails. No, the director of this movie is none other than Jonathan Liebesman, director of Wrath of the Titans and Battle Los Angeles. So… yay?

So like most people, I went into this movie expecting it to be terrible. I really wasn’t going to see it, but it just sort of worked out that way. And it surprised me, a little. Megan Fox did a slightly better job than I expected as April O’Neil and the Turtles were surprisingly true to the source material (well, depending on which source material).

Now, don’t get me wrong, this movie isn’t good by any stretch of the imagination. The plot makes no sense, the dialogue is cringeworthy at times, and it’s such a blatant and bizarre rip-off of The Amazing Spider-Man that it baffles me. Why Amazing Spider-Man? What about the Ninja Turtles source material is at all similar to The Amazing Spider-Man? And by the way, this movie makes ASM2 look like Citizen Kane. Even as one of fifteen people who liked ASM2, I know a dumb movie when I see one. And this is much dumber than ASM2.

Whoopi Goldberg, Will Arnett, and especially Taran Killam all make very convincing assholes. The only problem is, they’re all assholes. Arnett and Killam are practically the same character, and by the way, why doesn’t Taran Killam ever get to do anything? He was in this movie for literally one minute, which is more than I can say for Grown Ups 2, but it’s no compliment to say this movie one-ups Grown Ups 2.

Now let’s discuss why the plot makes no sense. While this film does answer some questions about the turtles’ origins, it fails to explain WHERE DONATELLO LEARNED TO DO MACHINES. And it’s a pretty glaring problem in this movie, especially when Donatello is wearing special high-tech Ned’s Declassified glasses the whole movies that he got WHERE EXACTLY? He even says at one point that he read about a certain programming language on the internet, but HOW DID HE HAVE INTERNET IN THE SEWERS?

But this leads to another glaring problem. When the turtles first meet/capture Megan Fox, they wipe her phone to get rid of a picture of the turtles she had. First of all, why not just delete the picture? But apparently, that is what he did, because the next day, she still has the PHOTO SHE TOOK IN THE SUBWAY SEVERAL HOURS BEFORE DONATELLO “WIPED HER PHONE.” And then when she’s talking to Sacks, she shows him a picture of the turtles. Wait, WHAT? Did she have another? If she did, why didn’t she show it to Whoopi Goldberg? Or Will Arnett?

The next big problem is the climax, which is only made possible by people standing around waiting for other people to have their emotional moments. At one point, the Shredder straight-up turns around and focuses on his computer while the turtles are RIGHT BEHIND HIM AND NOT EVEN INJURED. This happens several times. At another point, the turtles are in glass cases in labs and on the brink of death. April saves them by using the computer set up by Sacks and the Shredder to kill the turtles, to pump adrenaline into them. Wait, why did they make that an option? Why did they put adrenaline into the system? At the very end, when the computer says that there is one second left until the toxin disperses and is immediately disabled, for some reason, a little bit of toxin leaks out. What happened with that? Did someone die? Did it just filter out into the air?

At the very end, the turtles are falling off a building about to be crushed under the weight of a massive spire. And then… they stick the landing. THEY STICK THE FUCKING LANDING. They land on the ground and just kind of don’t get crushed. After that, in the “asshole gets his comeuppance” scene, the turtles show Will Arnett their new Turtlemobile, Arnett presses a button, and then a rocket launcher pops out and totals his car. Question: why was there a rocket launcher in the car? When would they need that? How did they get it? Did they build it? Did they build the car? And while we’re talking about cliche scenes, the scene where Megan Fox is the female reporter made to report ridiculous stories despite her talent just because she’s a woman is lifted directly from Anchorman.

So yeah, this movie gets a C+ from me. It’s fun, but it’s still a Michael Bay movie at heart. What were your thoughts on the movie? Let me know in the comments down below. Like if you like, favorite if you favorite, follow me on Twitter @BreakingPOORLY, and as always…

Liek dis if u cry everityem.

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Review: The Giver is Actually Pretty Good — August 17, 2014

Review: The Giver is Actually Pretty Good

Brief note before we begin: THE BOOK DOESN’T MATTER. When Phillip Noyce decided to make this movie, his intention wasn’t to make the movie like the book. It was to make the book into a movie. And yes, I have read The Giver, and yes, I did enjoy it. But I don’t give a shit if the movie isn’t like the book.

Anyway, this movie has a 43 on Metacritic right now, and from what I can tell, there are two reasons. First, the climax, which does sort of suck, as well as the very rushed resolution. And second, parts of it aren’t like the book. Honestly though, I didn’t care all that much about the ending. The rest of the movie was very well-done, I felt, although much of it had been done before. There was one particular scene that made me tear up a little towards the end, although I still admit that the whole “montage of human history” bit has been done a million times before, as has the “slow development of color in a black and white movie” thing.

I guess the relationships also feel pretty forced at times. Brenton Thwaites and Odeya Rush don’t have a lot of chemistry (yes, those are both names). Cameron Monaghan, who you may recognize from somewhere (he was in something, right?), delivers a pretty OK performance, but once again his character seems to make some odd and sudden shifts from the lovable goof to the authoritarian do-gooder. Also, and I know I said this doesn’t matter, but he’s not all that much like the character in the book. In the book, he seemed not to give much of a shit if Jonas disobeyed, from what I remember.

There were a lot of excellent performances in the movie. This was one of the few non-Dude roles Jeff Bridges has ever done, and he makes a very good Giver. Meryl Streep also did a pretty good job, but that’s Meryl Streep. Taylor Swift had maybe four lines and one scene, but I can honestly say I had no idea it was Taylor Swift.

Overall, I give it a B. It had its issues, but it’s far from bad. Still working on that Eminem article. I had to start over, but I’m getting there. Like if you like, follow if you follow, don’t forget to follow me on Twitter @BreakingPOORLY, comment down below if you just wanna talk, and as always…

Liek dis if u cry eivertm.

MUSIC NEWS-IC TRACK BY TRACK: All You Can Do by Watsky — August 12, 2014

MUSIC NEWS-IC TRACK BY TRACK: All You Can Do by Watsky

So, I actually didn’t know a lot about Watsky before I started this article. I knew he could rap, and I knew he could rap fast, and I knew he got his start on YouTube, but that’s about it. What I didn’t know was that he’s already released four albums and has appeared on Arrested Development. Huh. Anyway, his latest album is All You Can Do, and all I can do is review it track-by-track. Let’s begin.

1. ALL YOU CAN DO ft. Jimetta Rose

This one’s pretty good. Watsky raps about his aspirations in the first verse, then spends the second verse talking about an incident at the Warped Tour in London wherein he jumped off a lighting fixture above the stage. The chorus by Jimetta Rose is fine, but ultimately serves more as a segue between verses than anything of substance. “All you can do is…” what? The splits? B-.

2. STAND FOR SOMETHING ft. Anderson Paak

In this song, Watsky talks about how he’s sticking to his roots despite his newfound fame and fortune. It’s pretty funny, pretty catchy, and very fast, although the guest chorus once again feels a bit unnecessary. B.

3. BET AGAINST ME

This one is a short and concise brag rap with a building guitar riff and some more clever lines from Watsky. This one feels a bit more to-the-point than the previous two, although he still seems to struggle with filling up three minutes of material. Still, I give it a B.

4. WHOA WHOA WHOA

DAMN. That came out of nowhere. This is some Eminem shit, seriously. Watsky has described this song as “verbal flexing,” meant simply to prove that he could do this kind of shit whenever he wanted. Definitely an excellent song. A.

5. INK DON’T BLEED

This song’s about… something, I’m sure. C+.

6. RIGHT NOW ft. Lisa Vitale

This one is about living in the present! Although, the verses seem to be mainly about the past… B-.

7. MY FIRST STALKER

This is a shorter, more personal song about… well, Watsky’s first stalker. It’s a pretty good song, but when I say “shorter,” I mean A MINUTE AND A HALF. Watsky seems to have trouble making standard-length songs. As such, we never learn much about the girl, or about what happened after he dumped her. B-.

8. THE ONE

In this song, Watsky states his feelings on relationships. A) Everyone’s in them. B) Everyone works way too hard to be in them. C) “The one” doesn’t exist. D) Maybe someday, he’ll find the right girl for him. Which would be… the one, wouldn’t it? B+.

9. BOOMERANG ft. Ariana DeBoo

This one’s about an on-again-off-again relationship. It kinda sucks. C.

10. LET’S GET HIGH AND WATCH PLANET EARTH

wat

11. HAND OVER HAND ft. Anderson Paak

This is another one that I didn’t quite understand, but from what I got, it seems to be talking about the fact that people always talk about the troubles in the world, but don’t actually do anything about it. That’s an interesting topic, and there’s definitely some good metaphors in this song, although it does seem a bit preachy and once again, it’s sort of hard to follow. B.

12. TEARS TO DIAMONDS ft. Raquel Rodriguez

As I was listening to this song, my first thought was, “OK, this is a bit bullshit.” However, Watsky does make some pretty good points in this song, as well as in the annotations he wrote on Rap Genius. This is basically a song against the pharmaceutical industry. Not against the pharmaceuticals themselves, as he points out in his second verse, just against the industry. It’s certainly an interesting and passionate song, topped off with the first decent chorus on the whole album, courtesy of Raquel Rodriguez. A-.

13. GRASS IS GREENER

This one is about someone who is in a hospital whom Watsky cares about. It’s certainly passionate, but the lyrics are a bit… eh. C+.

14. NEVER LET IT DIE ft. Anderson Paak and Kush Mody

This is a motivational song about getting back up when you get knocked down and how that’s helped Watsky in his life. The rhyme scheme is pretty great, as are the lyrics. Once again though, the chorus makes no sense. The song ends off with a poem about the plight of the Jews after World War II and how it serves as a metaphor for life itself. Nice. A-.

15. SARAJEVO ft. Dia Frampton

This is an interesting one. It tells the story of a Muslim and a Christian who are in love and are both killed during the Bosnian Civil War. Watsky says that the song is about the “transcendental power of love,” which is an excellent topic to write a song about in and of itself, but I love how they base it around a true (?) story. The chorus is sung by Voice runner-up Dia Frampton, who does an excellent job tying the verses together with her passionate vocals and the line “God is love and love is all we have.” A.

16. CANNONBALL ft. Stephen Stills

That’s right. STEPHEN FUCKING STILLS. Pretty unexpected, I must say. He does a fine job, I suppose, but still. Stephen fucking Stills. Anyway, the song. It’s actually just a slam poem with a Stephen Stills chorus on either end. It’s a good poem though, I suppose. B-.

So yeah, this was a pretty good album. I don’t think I’d listen to it again, but I enjoyed it. Overall, I’d give it a solid B. Watsky’s got skills, but he never seems to harness his full potential (except on “Whoa Whoa Whoa” I mean wow). Coming up: reviews of Let’s Be Cops and either The Giver or Expendables 3, whichever I decide to see. Actually, I’ll probably see Giver anyway. Whatever. I’m also thinking of doing a list of every Eminem pun EVER. Wouldja like that? Like if you like, follow if you follow, leave a comment down below if you’ve got something to say, don’t forget to check out my Twitter @BreakingPOORLY, and as always…

Liek dis if u cry eveirmt.

Hey! I Reviewed Guardians of the Galaxy on Another Site! — August 5, 2014