I consider myself a fan of Luc Besson. He has made a lot of excellent films, especially during the three-year period in which he released Leon, Starship Troopers, and The Fifth Element. The problem is that his more recent films have been kinda… suck. So, when news started surfacing about Lucy, people didn’t know what to expect. I mean, sci-fi! Morgan Freeman! Pretty colors! And then, when it came out, there was one thing that stood out as what people took out of the movie more so than anything else…

Lucy is racist. Wait, seriously? You saw this movie, and the first thing you thought coming out of it was, “that was racist”? No one’s talking about how insane it was or any of the weird shit that goes on in this movie, no one even talks about the huge mountain of bullshit it’s built on. They just say it’s racist. Honestly, I don’t even get it. Yeah, Lucy kills mostly Chinese guys even though she’s in Taiwan, and yeah, she killed a guy in Taiwan for not knowing English, but it never really felt like Besson was trying to be racist. It just kinda felt like he was being Luc Besson.

Now, before we begin, I want to point out that I could and probably will do a full Nostalgia Critic style commentary on this movie, so bear with me. The film starts off with not one but TWO Bessonisms right off the bat: the eccentric independent woman whose weakness becomes her strength, and the weird French guy (turns out he’s Danish whoopsiedaisies) who leaves a lasting impression. They’re arguing over a briefcase, then Lucy goes inside to deliver the briefcase for him, then she gets kidnapped by the guy she was giving the briefcase to (intercut with footage of a cheetah chasing a gazelle, which doesn’t make sense as an analogy and is never brought up again). After that, these Taiwanese (?) guys make her open the package because they don’t trust Mr. Frenchguy. It turns out to be filled with drugs, put then they put the drugs in her stomach so she can transport them, and then the bag ruptures and the drugs enter her nervous system, and then she goes all Limitless because she can use more than 10% of her brain.

But that’s the film’s main problem: it’s utter bullshit. For those who don’t know, humans don’t actually only use ten percent of their brain. Humans only devote up to ten percent of their brain to ONE SUBJECT. Trying to do something with 100% of your brain would be like trying to type each letter with all ten fingers. So, the whole movie just got thrown out the window. However, there was one particularly curious part of the film’s use of this old wives’ tale. Throughout the movie, we see flashes of what percentage of her brain Lucy is using. But towards the beginning of the film, right before the scene where we’re first introduced to Morgan Freeman, the screen flashes “1%.” What?

I want to keep this short so I’ll have some material when I do the video (wink wink), so let’s skip to the big finish, when Lucy starts connecting herself to the computer… which somehow allows her to travel through… time? I don’t know. We see her teleport across the globe to the center of Times Square, where she goes back in time and encounters horses and buggies, Native Americans, and even Lucy, the famous Australopithecus. But hold on, why would the Australopithecus Lucy be in New York? And why did the chair move through space and time with her? From our standpoint, was she just sitting perfectly still in that chair throughout all of human history? Why did no one notice? The American Indians interacted with her, so she was obviously actually there, right?

But by far my favorite part of the movie comes at the very end. And by that I mean the very last line. Here it is: “Life was given to us a billion years ago. Now you know what to do with it.” HOLY SHIT. Let’s see if we can talk about all the problems with this line. First of all, life did NOT start a billion years ago. Second of all, for a movie firmly ground in the principles of evolution, it seems a bit odd for it to say that life was “given to us.” Third, this line straight-up claims that the MEANING OF LIFE is in this movie. THE MEANING OF LIFE. I assume this is supposed to make us think about what we just saw, which would only make sense if the movie had something to say. YOU CAN’T MAKE A DUMB ACTION MOVIE AND THEN CLAIM IT CONTAINS THE MEANING OF LIFE.

Overall, in a Face/Off sort of way, I loved this movie. Luc Besson is someone I’d describe as a great director who is constantly held back by a terrible screenwriter: Luc Besson. Even the bad stuff in it is at the very least enjoyably bad. Overall, I give Lucy an A-. It has potential to be one of the greatest action movies of all time, but it has an added dose of Luc Besson bullshit to make it all the more fun. Coming up: reviews of Guardians of the Galaxy and Get On Up. Like if you like, favorite if you favorite, follow if you follow, don’t forget to follow me on Twitter @BreakingPOORLY, and as always…

Liek dis if u cry evertim.

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