Alright, Melissa McCarthy. There’s someone I’ve never talked about before. Oh wait, yes I did. Um… hey, this movie’s produced by Will Ferrell! Let’s talk about him! Now, I love Will Ferrell to death, but he’s the kind of guy that’s really up for anything, which is why some of his movies are… shit. And his track record for producing movies that he isn’t in is pretty bad: Hansel and Gretel (which I guess was a comedy?), Bachelorette, The Virginity Hit, Hot Rod, etc. (By the way, I have no idea how Hot Rod turned out so bad). And now there’s Tammy, which stars one of the biggest names in comedy {sigh}, Melissa McCarthy.

Now, I don’t hate Melissa McCarthy. OK, yeah I do, but I don’t necessarily hate her movies. Identity Thief was fine, The Heat was fine, and Bridesmaids was excellent. So, what’s the difference between those movies and this one? Well, this one’s written by Melissa McCarthy. I think that really proves that Melissa McCarthy is not funny.

“But J-Rome,” you may be asking, “what’s so bad about Tammy?” Why do you have to interrupt me every fuckin’ time? I was just getting to that! Anyway, first thing’s first, it’s not funny. I don’t think I laughed more than ten times throughout the movie. Also, even though it portrays itself as a heist film of sorts, you realize quickly that it’s actually a road movie. Yeah, kinda pulling a fast one there, eh? I don’t think it would have mattered if you just called it a road movie. Especially since it’s NOT A ROAD MOVIE. In the end, it turns out that it’s a ROM-COM. Seriously.

As such, all the comedic bits are at the very beginning and the very end. Most of it is just scenes of “character development” that are really just Melissa McCarthy and Susan Sarandon discussing their sexual exploits. Finally. After all this time, I’m so glad we finally got to hear about all the guys Susan Sarandon and Melissa McCarthy tried to fuck ten years ago. Now I can die in peace knowing that the whole world has easy access to Susan Sarandon and Melissa McCarthy talking about fucking the same ice cream vendor.

I spent most of the movie thinking, “Why did they make this? Why did Melissa McCarthy and Ben Falcone put effort into this?” I’m fairly certain that they thought of the robbery scene from the trailer first and just decided to build a movie around it. By the way, that robbery scene wasn’t all that funny either.

There’s a mini-North reunion with Kathy Bates and Dan Aykroyd both making appearances. Kathy Bates plays a folksy lesbian millionaire, and no, there is no reason for her character to exist, or for her to be a folksy lesbian millionaire. Aykroyd plays McCarthy’s father, and while he does serve a purpose (SIKE he bails her out of prison in one scene and then never appears again), he was doing the Blues Brothers voice for some reason. Yeah, Aykroyd found it appropriate to do his intentionally over-the-top Chicago accent, even though the film takes place more than five hours away from Chicago and the audience has no reason to believe he’d be from Chicago.

So let’s see: boring, pointless, and unfunny. Yeah, this is probably the worst movie I’ve seen all year. D+. I’ll have reviews of Guardians of the Galaxy, Lucy, and Get On Up pretty soon. Don’t forget to follow me on Twitter @BreakingPOORLY, like if you like, favorite if you favorite, follow if you follow, and as always…

Liek dis if u cry everitme.