OK, so hold on.Screen Shot 2014-05-26 at 3.16.29 PMIs there some kind of glitch in Rotten Tomatoes?

Screen Shot 2014-05-26 at 3.16.34 PMBecause I’m pretty sure those ratings are out of order.

That’s right; today I saw Days of Future Past, the seventh installment in the X-Men franchise that critics have called one of the finest of them all, combining all of the best elements of the series, bringing together both critically acclaimed casts, bringing back director Bryan Singer, and introducing a character that has already become a fan favorite, Quicksilver. I didn’t care for it.

Which isn’t to say that all of those things aren’t true. It’s just that, on top of all that, this movie has the worst, most convoluted, and most nonsensical plot of any X-Men movie ever. And that includes The Last Stand. Essentially, old Charles and Erik convince Wolverine to go back in time to convince young Charles and Erik to convince Mystique not to shoot Bolivar Trask, because that leads to her getting captured, which leads to Trask Industries extracting Mystique’s genes, which allows them to create Sentinels that can adapt to stop any kind of mutant, which leads to the apocalypse. Sounds pretty complicated, right? Well, that’s just the setup. That all happens in the first half hour.

Oh, and by the way, the first half hour is ALL SETUP. We spend all that time in the dystopian future, watching what’s left of the world’s mutants try to fight off the sentinels by moving location THREE TIMES, before finally having enough time to discuss the logistics of going back in time, and then finally doing it. They also clear up a few questions that no one had and everyone already assumed is the case, while not answering any questions that arise from this form of time travel.

The special effects are pretty bad for a $200 million movie in 2014. And I excused this in the case of Catching Fire because it had a cohesive plot. Here are just a few of the many questions the movie fails to answer:

Why did they choose that specific moment when Raven shot Trask to stop? Surely, there were other moments that they could’ve gone to that would’ve been easier. They could have convinced Erik not to kill Kennedy, or at least to pay more attention. They could have convinced Raven to kill and impersonate Trask instead of the Vietnamese guy. They could have just told her to watch out for those guards who are gonna try and tase her if she goes after Trask. They could have just created an incident that would endanger Trask’s life, and then save him. All of those seem like they would have been easier than breaking Erik out of the Pentagon, find a random mutant kid who Logan and Charles both happened to know, and each know that the other knew, then hunt down Mystique and try and persuade her to not kill Trask, knowing fully well that A) that might not have changed anything, and B) Mystique is a loose cannon. Don’t they?

If the Wolverine from the darkest timeline (#darkesttimeline) wakes up in the mind of the Wolverine from the bright timeline, what happened to the consciousness of the Wolverine from the bright timeline? Is he gone? Is he in the mind of the Wolverine from the dark timeline, who is almost certainly dead by that point? Surely, at least one version of Wolverine had to be killed to make this happen.

How did Mystique escape from Trask Industries in the original timeline? Why didn’t she try to get back at them? Why didn’t they try and stop the Sentinel program after that? Why weren’t the Sentinels around during the original trilogy?

How did Magneto escape from the Pentagon in the original trilogy?

When did Charles recover from the spine heroin in the original trilogy? Beast never would have done it, so who did?

Does Wolverine have adamantium claws in the bright timeline? Did he lose his memory in the bright timeline? If so, how is he supposed to teach history?

Does Rogue have her powers in this timeline? What parts of the original trilogy did happen and what parts didn’t? Why didn’t they happen? What part of X3 was rendered moot by the cancellation of the Sentinel program?

Does this movie retcon The Wolverine too? In fact, doesn’t it basically retcon the entire franchise up until this point, besides First Class? Does it retcon Origins? 

Where is Scarlet Witch?

When did Magneto fuck Quicksilver’s mom? If Quicksilver’s a teenager in the 70s (let’s say 16), then he was born in 1957, five years before the events of First Class. Magneto’s twelve at the beginning of First Class, so he must have fucked Quicksilver’s mom at the age of 25. Does that mean that Erik walked out on her, knowing full well that she was pregnant with mutant twins? Seems like a dick move, even for Magneto.

And many more. Ultimately, there really just isn’t anything impressive about this movie. The combining of the two casts should have been something fresh; something that’s never been done before. Instead, it just feels like all six of the other X-Men movies put together. And as you know, the worst part of the X-Men franchise is the X-Men movies.

So overall, I give this movie a C-. It sucks, honestly. I’ll have a whole buncha other stuff coming up real soon. I expect to have my Community ranking done within the next month, but don’t hold me to that. Like if you like, favorite if you favorite, follow if you follow, don’t forget to follow me on Twitter @BreakingPOORLY, and as always…

Liek dis if c ury eveirtmm.

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