Reviews for Normal People

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Review: Days of Future Past? More Like… Laze of Neutral Pass — May 26, 2014

Review: Days of Future Past? More Like… Laze of Neutral Pass

OK, so hold on.Screen Shot 2014-05-26 at 3.16.29 PMIs there some kind of glitch in Rotten Tomatoes?

Screen Shot 2014-05-26 at 3.16.34 PMBecause I’m pretty sure those ratings are out of order.

That’s right; today I saw Days of Future Past, the seventh installment in the X-Men franchise that critics have called one of the finest of them all, combining all of the best elements of the series, bringing together both critically acclaimed casts, bringing back director Bryan Singer, and introducing a character that has already become a fan favorite, Quicksilver. I didn’t care for it.

Which isn’t to say that all of those things aren’t true. It’s just that, on top of all that, this movie has the worst, most convoluted, and most nonsensical plot of any X-Men movie ever. And that includes The Last Stand. Essentially, old Charles and Erik convince Wolverine to go back in time to convince young Charles and Erik to convince Mystique not to shoot Bolivar Trask, because that leads to her getting captured, which leads to Trask Industries extracting Mystique’s genes, which allows them to create Sentinels that can adapt to stop any kind of mutant, which leads to the apocalypse. Sounds pretty complicated, right? Well, that’s just the setup. That all happens in the first half hour.

Oh, and by the way, the first half hour is ALL SETUP. We spend all that time in the dystopian future, watching what’s left of the world’s mutants try to fight off the sentinels by moving location THREE TIMES, before finally having enough time to discuss the logistics of going back in time, and then finally doing it. They also clear up a few questions that no one had and everyone already assumed is the case, while not answering any questions that arise from this form of time travel.

The special effects are pretty bad for a $200 million movie in 2014. And I excused this in the case of Catching Fire because it had a cohesive plot. Here are just a few of the many questions the movie fails to answer:

Why did they choose that specific moment when Raven shot Trask to stop? Surely, there were other moments that they could’ve gone to that would’ve been easier. They could have convinced Erik not to kill Kennedy, or at least to pay more attention. They could have convinced Raven to kill and impersonate Trask instead of the Vietnamese guy. They could have just told her to watch out for those guards who are gonna try and tase her if she goes after Trask. They could have just created an incident that would endanger Trask’s life, and then save him. All of those seem like they would have been easier than breaking Erik out of the Pentagon, find a random mutant kid who Logan and Charles both happened to know, and each know that the other knew, then hunt down Mystique and try and persuade her to not kill Trask, knowing fully well that A) that might not have changed anything, and B) Mystique is a loose cannon. Don’t they?

If the Wolverine from the darkest timeline (#darkesttimeline) wakes up in the mind of the Wolverine from the bright timeline, what happened to the consciousness of the Wolverine from the bright timeline? Is he gone? Is he in the mind of the Wolverine from the dark timeline, who is almost certainly dead by that point? Surely, at least one version of Wolverine had to be killed to make this happen.

How did Mystique escape from Trask Industries in the original timeline? Why didn’t she try to get back at them? Why didn’t they try and stop the Sentinel program after that? Why weren’t the Sentinels around during the original trilogy?

How did Magneto escape from the Pentagon in the original trilogy?

When did Charles recover from the spine heroin in the original trilogy? Beast never would have done it, so who did?

Does Wolverine have adamantium claws in the bright timeline? Did he lose his memory in the bright timeline? If so, how is he supposed to teach history?

Does Rogue have her powers in this timeline? What parts of the original trilogy did happen and what parts didn’t? Why didn’t they happen? What part of X3 was rendered moot by the cancellation of the Sentinel program?

Does this movie retcon The Wolverine too? In fact, doesn’t it basically retcon the entire franchise up until this point, besides First Class? Does it retcon Origins? 

Where is Scarlet Witch?

When did Magneto fuck Quicksilver’s mom? If Quicksilver’s a teenager in the 70s (let’s say 16), then he was born in 1957, five years before the events of First Class. Magneto’s twelve at the beginning of First Class, so he must have fucked Quicksilver’s mom at the age of 25. Does that mean that Erik walked out on her, knowing full well that she was pregnant with mutant twins? Seems like a dick move, even for Magneto.

And many more. Ultimately, there really just isn’t anything impressive about this movie. The combining of the two casts should have been something fresh; something that’s never been done before. Instead, it just feels like all six of the other X-Men movies put together. And as you know, the worst part of the X-Men franchise is the X-Men movies.

So overall, I give this movie a C-. It sucks, honestly. I’ll have a whole buncha other stuff coming up real soon. I expect to have my Community ranking done within the next month, but don’t hold me to that. Like if you like, favorite if you favorite, follow if you follow, don’t forget to follow me on Twitter @BreakingPOORLY, and as always…

Liek dis if c ury eveirtmm.

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Quick Update —

Quick Update

I am currently 35 episodes into Community. I won’t tell you what the best is, but the fourth-best is “Epidemiology 206.” Im sorry that I never got around to reviewing Godzilla. It just wasn’t in the cards. However, God as my witness, I will review Days of Future Past tomorrow. After that comes reviews of A Million Ways to Die in the West, The Fault in Our Stars, 22 Jump Street, and How to Train Your Dragon 2. Until then…

Liek dis if u smiel eveirtm.

Review: Neighbors is a Very Seth Rogen Movie — May 11, 2014

Review: Neighbors is a Very Seth Rogen Movie

I’ve always found Seth Rogen to be very underappreciated. I’ve never met anyone who hated him, but be honest, do you respect Seth Rogen? Do you take him seriously as a comedic actor? The truth is, Seth Rogen is one of the most talented comedic minds working today, having starred in several movies that are considered among the all-time funniest, and having improvised most of his dialogue in all of them. I mean, just off the top of my head (as far as you know), there’s The 40-Year-Old Virgin, Knocked Up, Zack and Miri Make a Porno, Superbad, Pineapple Express, This is the End, and now Neighbors, which up until a few days ago had a 100% on Rotten Tomatoes and an 84 on Metacritic.

Of course, movies that critically acclaimed are rarely as good as they say (look at a list of movies with a 100% on Rotten Tomatoes and you’ll know what I’m talking about). And of course, Neighbors is no exception. That being said, how good is it? Very. Some aspects of the movie don’t work: it’s not as funny as the other movies I mentioned, at times its raunch feels forced, and Christopher Mintz-Plasse’s character is pretty much just a dick joke, but what makes this movie so good is that it’s not what you expected.

The frat guys kind of like Rogen and Rose Byrne’s married couple, the whole movie isn’t just a prank war between the two of them, Zac Efron gives a very layered and interesting performance, it’s not just a frat comedy, the wife isn’t just “the wife,” and the satirical aspects of the film really work. Nicholas Stoller did a great job directing the party scenes, which feel like you’re at a party rather than watching one, and the film actually deals with some interesting themes about growing up and college life.

There’s a pretty cool use of Chekhov’s Gun in the movie, in that basically everything that happens is essential to the plot. It even pokes fun at this at one point, in a scene in which Byrne is watching the Office episode where Michael gives his “bros before hos” speech and decides to use that credo to her advantage. So often in comedies nowadays are things brought up simply for non sequitur humor, or to set up a single punchline, and are then abandoned, but in this movie, everything is forced to wrap around the plot.

My favorite part of the movie was Zac Efron. You heard me. Anyone who has seen the High School Musical movies may have assumed that he has no talent, but the truth is that no one would come off as a good actor in that role. It’s the script that’s the problem. And maybe the director. Really, everything about High School Musical is the problem, except Zac Efron. He and Dave Franco play off each other really well, and there’s an interesting bit of symbolism in that Rogen and Byrne are seasoned comedy vets, while the Delta Psi Beta guys (Efron, Franco, Plasse, etc.) are up-and-comers trying to make a name for themselves in comedic acting.

There was a bit of an SNL-type cameo corner early on in the movie, when Efron is telling Delta Psi’s latest members about the history of the fraternity. This includes cameos from the Lonely Island, the Workaholics, and Danny McBride, all of whom manage to squeeze in quite a few laughs given their five seconds of screen time.

So yeah, I give the movie an A. It looks like the search for a bad movie continues. No review next week, but I’ve already started working on my Community review and I’ll give you a few progress updates on that. There are reviews of Days of Future Past and A Million Ways to Die in the West coming very soon. Like if you like, favorite if you favorite, follow if you follow, don’t forget to follow me on Twitter @BreakingPOORLY, and as always…

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Site News: Five Seasons and a Potential Future Sixth Season and/or Movie — May 9, 2014

Site News: Five Seasons and a Potential Future Sixth Season and/or Movie

Well, I’m sure you’ve all heard the news that Community, my fourth-favorite show on TV, has been cancelled by NBC. Now, this may not be the end, since Comedy Central, Hulu, or Netflix may pick it up a few years down the line, but for now, there’s no more Community. And I decided to do something special in its honor. That is why, over the next month or so, I will rewatch every single episode of Community and then present you with the biggest and most ambitious Stank-Ass Ranking I have ever attempted: “Stank-Ass Ranking: Every Episode of Community.” This will be done when it is done, and until the point that it is done, I leave you with this.

#sixseasonsandamovie

Liek dis if ucry everitm.

MUSIC NEWS-IC Track-By-Track: Rise of an Empire — May 6, 2014

MUSIC NEWS-IC Track-By-Track: Rise of an Empire

Some people have asked me what my opinion on Lil Wayne is. Well, I’ll tell you. I think Lil Wayne was pretty good… for a little while in 2010. Yeah, for some reason, Lil Wayne had a few really good singles and guest verses in 2010 and 2011. I think it went like this: In the beginning, Weezy was a newcomer, but he was already calling himself the greatest rapper alive, even though his lyrics ranged from decent to terrible. Nowadays, he’s drunk off his own power, and he knows that no matter what he does, people will still listen to his shit, so he’s stopped trying. But for that brief period where Weezy was either about to go to jail, in jail, or just out of jail, he made what he said count, and the results showed with amazing guest verses like the one on “No Love” and great singles like “Six Foot Seven Foot.” Anyway, Lil Wayne also has a group called Young Money. They’re terrible. They just released an album. Let’s begin

#1: WE ALRIGHT by Lil Wayne feat. Euro and Birdman

OK, first off, I just want to point out that the title claims that this is a song by Lil Wayne, with guest verses/choruses from Euro and Birdman. Make no mistake. This is a Euro song. So Lil Wayne just disappointed even the people who are still fans of him by having one relatively short verse on a four-and-a-half-minute Euro song. Birdman’s verse is even shorter than Weezy’s. But that’s not even the problem. You see, Euro is the newest rapper on Young Money, and he’s not super good. YMCMB’s had worse, but this guy has absolutely no flow whatsoever. And his lyrics aren’t good, either. For example, at one point on this song, he rhymes “up” with “up” seven times. Now, you may be wondering, “How can you rhyme something seven times?” My thoughts exactly. It’s not like the next line is “cup” or something; it’s a different rhyme. Also, the chorus rhymes “alright” with “alright” seven times. And don’t expect to hear the song and think, “Ohhhhhh, so that’s how he did it.” He’s just terrible. End of story. Birdman’s verse somehow manages to be even worse than usual by being filled with cliched lines, one particular line about having every president that ever died in a bag, which would only make sense if the bag was full of quarters, which would be fuckin’ stupid. He also manages to mention GTV twice in one verse, and both times it’s entirely non sequitur. Lil Wayne’s verse is pretty good for Lil Wayne, I guess, but it’s still disgustingly sexist and doesn’t have much of a flow. And yet, at least six Rap Genius users agree with the statement, “Lil Wayne comes through with a verse that is questionably his best verse in the past two years? And with the way these bars sound and flow, Tha Carter V could be a classic! Not to mention, Wayne is possibly the best rapper alive!” Nope. Just… nope. Overall, I give the song a D+, because once again, Lil Wayne’s verse is decent, and I guess Euro has a lot of energy for most of the song, something Young Money desperately needs.

#2: TROPHIES by Drake

Honestly, this song is pretty good. Drake has more energy than ever before on these verses, and while the lyrics are pretty simple, the song still has a lot of potential. Imagine if Drake had this kind of energy on “Headlines.” That would be something special. Not much to say, because Drake does not give a fuck what I have to say about this song, so I’ll just go ahead and give it a B. Maybe if Drake stopped caring so much I might start liking him again.

#3: BANG by Cory Gunz, Euro, and Lil Twist

I fucking hate Lil Twist. He’s just so annoying. It’s like if Lil Wayne and SpongeBob had a kid whose skills were slightly lesser than those of his parents. His verse basically goes like this: “I smoke weed, I have a Bentley, I love my life, I’ve overcome a lot of unspecific adversities, I went to jail for a day and now I think I’m hardcore, some rappers are fake, but I’m not, because paparazzi flock to me, I wear designer clothes, I am friends with famous rappers, as I am signed to Cash Money, aren’t I such a great rapper? I wear designer clothes, I wear designer clothes, I have a Ferrari, apparently in addition to my Bentley, y’all niggas thought I lost it, I’m awesome (those last two are actual lines from the song), I am friends with Justin Bieber, I know a lot about sports, I am tired from doing so much excellent rapping, I am signed to Cash Money,  I love my life, I am Lil Twist, I have had sex with several women, and if you are a woman, I would like to have sex with you as well.” That’s literally everything he says for the whole verse. That being said, the rest of the song is pretty good. Euro does a decent job, Cory Gunz, who is my favorite person signed to Cash Money, does a very good job, and the chorus, while vapid, is barely there. Overall, I give it a B-, because Lil Twist is really fucking annoying.

#4: SENILE by Lil Wayne, Nicki Minaj, and Tyga

This song features Tyga, the most boring name in rap music, Nicki Minaj, now with even less personality and much more Lil Kimness than ever before, and Lil Wayne having a lot of fun singing straightforward lyrics with no jokes or wordplay in them whatsoever. It sucks. I give it a D, because at least it’s inoffensive, which is more than I can say for some other Lil Wayne songs *cough Bitches Love Me cough*

#5: INDUCTION SPEECH by Euro

Now, you may be saying, “Hey, look, Euro finally has top billing!” First of all, he’s the only person on the song, so they had to give him top billing. Second of all, they did not give him top billing. The track is listed as “Young Money featuring Euro,” even though Euro is part of Young Money and no one else on Young Money is on the song. It’s like if “Ghetto Superstar” was by the Fugees featuring Pras. Anyway, the song itself is pretty good. Euro is very energetic and is clearly very passionate about these lyrics. The lyrics themselves are meh, but still, B+.

#6: ONE TIME by Lil Twist featuring Tyga and YG

Have I ever told you that I hate Lil Twist? Because I do. This time, his verse goes something like this: “What are you looking at? I have money. I love my life. I have money. You, the girl I am speaking to, are hot. I drive a Benz. I am a pimp.” You may have noted how short that was. That’s because his verse is only 8 lines. He also has eight lines on the chorus, for a grand total of 16 bars on the whole song. Tyga and YG also suck. D-.

#7: HITTIN LIKE by Shanell and Chanel West Coast

Now, the interesting thing about this song is that both rappers are female. Unfortunately, that’s the only interesting thing about this song. I listened to ten bars of Gucci Gucci by Kreayshawn after listening to this song and I’ve already forgotten it. F. You may have noticed that these song reviews have been getting shorter. It’s not that I’m getting lazy. I just had more to say about the first two.

#8: LOOKIN ASS NIGGA by Nicki Minaj

This song is… actually pretty good. It still has a bit of a Lil Kim vibe, and it says “nigga” a full 39 times, and the chorus and beat are pretty weak, but it’s pretty interesting. It’s a song about being anti-“nigga behavior,” which you probably know about if you watch/read The Boondocks. There’s actually some pretty interesting wordplay and observations involved, despite each line ending with “ass nigga.” B.

#9: FRESHER THAN EVER by Birdman, Flow, Gudda Gudda, Jae Millz, and Mack Maine

The first half of this song gets a solid F. It’s just straight boring. The verses are bad, the bridges are terrible, and the lack of the chorus doesn’t make a song “edgy,” it just makes it harder to get people to listen to it. The second half of this song gets a C. It’s basically the same, but with better lyrics and none of those godawful Birdman bridges. The second half also features a two-minute verse from Mack Maine, who is the third most boring person on the album. So yeah, C. Overall, I give it a D, because that’s the average of C and F.

#10: BACK IT UP by Lil Twist and Tyga

Oh, boy. My two least favorite people on Young Money did a song called “Back It Up.” It’s just so bad. The beat is boring, the verses are vapid, the rappers are as annoying as ever, EVERYTHING ABOUT IT IS SO BAD. I give it a solid F. Luckily, we’re almost done. Oops, almost forgot the customary summary of Lil Twist’s verse. I’ll be doing the second one: “You are a stripper. I enjoy strippers. Here, have some money. May I look at your ass? Just so you listeners know, I am in a strip club with Lil Wayne. I have a lot of money. I am in Young Money. I am in Young Money. I have friends who are also in Young Money. I do not like haters. I have a lot of money. Do you think you have more money than me? If so, meet me and we can compare. I am still in a strip club. I am a “boss” who is “stunting.” I have a lot of money. I have a lot of money. I enjoy women.”

#11: MOMENT by Lil Wayne

That’s right. An album Lil Wayne clearly made to showcase his friends’ talent features a song entirely by Lil Wayne. It’s… OK. The lyrics are pretty good usually, but it’s a very boring beat and a very boring chorus. I’m probably going to listen to Tha Carter V, mainly because I intend to review it, but let’s be honest, Lil Wayne is past his prime. B-.

#12: YOU ALREADY KNOW by Gudda Gudda, Jae Millz, Mack Maine, and PJ Morton

This is another OK song. The beat is pretty good, and the chorus is catchy enough, and while the verses aren’t great, there are still some good lines here or there. Gudda Gudda’s rhymes are still somewhat baffling, and he definitely forgot a few of the words and started mumbling at least once. Jae Millz is a pretty straightforward “I’m a pimp/gangsta/New Yorker/robber/sports player” verse. Mack Maine’s is my favorite on the song. At the beginning, he calls back to his verse on “Every Girl” where he said that Miley Cyrus should call him in three years, and he seems genuinely disappointed that she hasn’t, which I find hilarious. Overall, I give it a B.

So, I give this album THE D!!!1!11!!1!!11!1!!! *chest bumps* Despite a few good songs, the real problem is that it’s BORING. There were only twelve songs on this album, but it took me three days to listen to them all because after three or four I was like, “Had it with this shit! Back to YouTube!” Now that I’m done, I have to say that I am not the least bit impressed.

“But wait, JD,” you may be saying, “don’t you usually review the bonus tracks form the deluxe versions of albums as well?”

Yes, yes I do.

Like if you like, favorite if you favorite, follow if you follow, don’t forget to follow me on Twitter @BreakingPOORLY, and as always…

Likke dis if u cyr evritime.

Review: Amazing Spider-Man 2 is Amazing. Spider-Man, Too! — May 4, 2014

Review: Amazing Spider-Man 2 is Amazing. Spider-Man, Too!

OK, that’s an exaggeration. It’s not amazing. But it is pretty good. Probably the fifth-best movie I’ve seen all year.

Now, Amazing Spider-Man 2 has gotten a lot of flak from critics for being “overwhelming” and “crowded.” Quite frankly, I have no idea what they’re on about. If you can follow the plot of your typical Batman movie, you should be able to follow this. Sure, a lot of stuff’s going on, one could even say constantly, but it’s not like your reading a bunch of PhD dissertations one after the other. It’s just Spider-Man. Peter’s parents die. Next scene. Peter saves a bunch of people from the Rhino, bumps into Jamie Foxx, and makes it to graduation just in time to get his diploma. Next scene. Peter is conflicted about whether or not he should keep seeing Gwen despite her father’s warnings. Next scene. And so on. This should not be too much to process.

I honestly don’t see what everyone’s deal is with this movie. Sure, it has its problems. Andrew Garfield’s dialogue is almost entirely comprised of mediocre one-liners, the movie leaves you with only a few surprises, and ultimately it’s just a segue between the first movie and the third movie, but it’s still an entertaining, enjoyable, action-packed movie that is not only a good Spider-Man movie, but also has a few good dramatic moments in there, too (I cried when Gwen died, even though I saw it coming from a year away).

This brings us to one of my favorite parts of the movie: the color. I complain time and time again that literally every action movie is almost entirely orange and dull blue. And often, franchises will slowly evolve into this monochrome dullness that annoys me so, like Hunger Games or MCU. This movie makes a big deal about using four major colors: red, blue, green, and yellow. It uses the colors to contrast between different characters, settings, and villains. And I love it. I kinda wish a movie could just use normal everyday colors instead of putting it through Instagram filters, but there’s always The Avengers for that.

Ultimately though, my favorite part of the movie is the cast. Andrew Garfield does a great job as Spider-Man, Emma Stone does a great job turning Gwen Stacy into a character I can tolerate, Denis Leary manages to convey a lot of emotions through his dialogue-free performance (I find it interesting that Willem Dafoe was in the old Spider-Man movies, and Denis Leary is in the new Spider-Man movies playing a different character, even though Denis Leary’s only joke is that he looks like Willem Dafoe), Jamie Foxx is amazing, Sally Field is annoying but pretty good, and Paul Giamatti is absolutely unrecognizable as the Rhino. BJ Novak didn’t do a great job, but it’s always nice to see BJ Novak. Honestly, I prefer Foxx’s Electro over the Electro from the comics, for a variety of reasons. The movie strongly hinted that J Jonah Jameson will be appearing in the next one, and I really hope they get the same guy who played him in the first one, because that performance was the tightest shit.

The movie has a bit of an Iron Man 2 problem, in that it’s really just meant to lead up to the next one, but the difference is that while Iron Man 2 was useless, this movie actually set up half the characters that would be part of the Sinister Six, as well as hinting at two more (Doc Ock and Vulture). Rumor has it Sony is planning a Puss In Boots-style spinoff following Venom, and I feel like they opened the universe up for his arrival as well with this movie. I’d really like to see how they handle Venom, especially since there’s not much you can do to update the style of Venom. It’s just Venom. Plain and simple. Then again, why do reboots always have to update the style? If the design is working, why change it?

The song played over the credits was much more satisfying than the mid-credits scene (there was no post-credits scene), as that song was “It’s On Again,” the Kendrick Lamar/Alicia Keys collaboration produced by Hans Zimmer and Pharrell Williams. That may sound pretty amazing on the surface, but Kendrick’s verse might be my favorite of his so far (aside from maybe “Love Game”). It’s just a really good song, and I hope to see it on Billboard pretty soon *ahem*. The mid-credits scene, meanwhile, was a brief scene from Days of Future Past, which didn’t set up, imply, or even say anything. It was basically just Mystique kicking ass for ten seconds. However, this could be the start of a beautiful friendship between Fox and Sony.

So overall, I give Amazing Spider-Man 2 quite possibly the best rating it has received so far, an A-. You really should check it out if you haven’t already. Albums ‘n’ shit coming this week, plus some other stuff after that. Like if you like, favorite if you favorite, follow if you follow, don’t forget to follow me on Twitter @BreakingPOORLY, and as always…

Liek dis if ucry everitiem.

Stank-Ass Ranking: Kanye West Albums —

Stank-Ass Ranking: Kanye West Albums

As you may know, I was about to do another list involving Eminem. Then I realized all I ever talk about is Eminem. There are a lot of other rappers I like out there, you know. I’m not that white. So, without further adieu, let’s talk about Kanye West.

Kanye is one of the few rappers out there that one could honestly say has only gotten better with age. I’d disagree with you, but the case could be made. Despite a growing number of news stories concerning his erratic behavior, Kanye continues to put out great music, and so I can excuse the outbursts. In fact, one particular album, My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy, has been hailed as a masterpiece, called “the Sgt. Peppers of hip hop,” and Entertainment Weekly put it at #8 on their list of the greatest albums of all time. Of course, this is EW we’re talking about, the same people that said WALL-E is the best animated movie of all time and that Shark Tale was the tenth-best DreamWorks movie. But still, great album.

Now, unlike my Eminem list, for this list I went back and listened to every single one of Kanye’s albums over again, to ensure that I get this right. Because Kanye hasn’t really had any terrible albums, give or take 808s and Heartbreak. Anyway, let’s begin the list. I’ll be accompanying the album titles with pictures of Kanye pulling off outfits that no other man on the planet could pull off. The list will include Can’t Tell Me Nothing, Watch the Throne, and Cruel Summer,  and GOOD Fridays because who’s gonna stop me? You? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

#10: 808S AND HEARTBREAK

LOOK AT THAT FUCKING JACKET WHAT EVEN IS THIS

808s and Heartbreak is essentially the Batman and Robin of Kanye West albums. It’s SO BAD. OH MY GOD. It’s not even that I don’t like Autotune. It’s just an insanely bad album. It’s annoying and boring and sad and just all-around terrible. Please, do not listen to this album.

Best songs: “Heartless,” “Paranoid”

#9: CAN’T TELL ME NOTHING: THE OFFICIAL MIXTAPE

WHAT COLOR IS THAT IT LOOKS PHOTOSHOPPED

Can’t Tell Me Nothing should’ve been the first warning. Its utter lack of high-quality songs and overabundance of boring, sad, Autotuned garbage should’ve clued people in that 808s and Heartbreak would not live up to Kanye’s previous work.

Best songs: N/A

#8: GOOD FRIDAYS

A NEON YELLOW AND BLUE SPORTS JACKET IS IT FUCKING EASTER OR SOMETHING

Now, GOOD Fridays was actually a series of singles released by GOOD Music in the fall of 2010. Of the things Kanye did in 2010, this was the worst. Which isn’t to say it’s bad, just not… very good. Saving grace: It features one of the few songs from hip-hop supergroup Child Rebel Soldier, which knocks it up about 20% in my book.

Best songs: “Don’t Stop (by CRS!),” “Don’t Look Down”

#7: CRUEL SUMMER

WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT

Cruel Summer is just not impressive. Sure, it has two or three really good songs on it. But they’re all in the beginning or the end of the album, so you’re left with a full album’s worth of songs in the middle that just make you go “meh.”

Best songs: “Mercy,” “New God Flow”

#6: GRADUATION

A TEDDY BEAR SWEATER HOW DOES

The thing with Graduation is that half of the songs are really good. If it was shorter (say, Yeezus-length), it might be even better. But the other half of the songs are really boring and kind of hard to listen to. It’s pretty clear in retrospect that an album like 808s and Heartbreak was inevitable. But the rest of the album is good.

Best songs: “Champion,” “Good Life,” “Big Brother” (grr it’s stuck in my head now, my big brother was big’s brother AUGH)

#5: LATE REGISTRATION

HEY KANYE I THINK HALF YOUR SHIRT IS MISSING

Late Registration feels more confident than College Dropout. It also deals with a few more serious themes than College Dropout does. That being said, it’s no College Dropout.

Best songs: “Touch the Sky,” “Gold Digger”

#4: YEEZUS

THAT SHIRT’S MADE OF FUCKING TOOTHPASTE

Upon further inspection, I have to say that Yeezus sounds totally different from anything Kanye’s done before. I kinda like it. That being said, the Daft Punk-helmed techno beats combined with Kanye’s irritated, somewhat nasal voice can be kinda annoying at times. There aren’t really any bad songs on the album, but there are only ten songs on the album, so that’s not really a huge accomplishment.

Best songs: “New Slaves” “Bound 2” (Those who are not fans of Kanye or just listen to whatever’s on the radio may say, “But I thought everyone hated ‘Bound 2.” No, everyone hated the “Bound 2” video. The song is fantastic.)

#3: THE COLLEGE DROPOUT

Wait. That’s not Kanye. That’s a cartoon bear. I’m sure Kanye’s worn the same thing, though.

Kanye basically spent his entire life working on College Dropout. It features songs like “Jesus Walks,” “Last Call,” “The New Workout Plan,” and “All Falls Down.” That being said, it’s not his best. It just feels rough, which I suppose can be expected from someone’s first album, but Kanye was already an accomplished producer at the time, so you would think he’d take the time to polish his album a bit.

Best songs: See above

#2: WATCH THE THRONE

ACTUALLY THO KANYE WOULD MAKE A DECENT DEADPOOL I’M JUST SAYIN

Watch the Throne is a 2010 collaboration album between Kanye and his mentor, Jay-Z. Both are now considered to be some of the greatest rappers of all time, and it’s clear why from this album. The songs are very interesting, production-wise, many of which are built around unaltered samples and some of which don’t even have choruses. It’s straight-up fascinating. I can’t even choose the best ones, because I’d wind up naming like eight songs, and no one’s interested in reading that.

And the best Kanye West album of all time is…

#1: MY BEAUTIFUL DARK TWISTED FANTASY

“Everything’s chrome in the future!”

My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy, but simply, is one of the greatest albums ever recorded. And I’m not the first to say it. Entertainment Weekly, for example, put it at #8 on their list of the greatest albums of all time. What I’m trying to get at is that I’m not a mindless Kanye West fanatic. This is just an extremely impressive album. And it makes it clear right from the start that it’s going to be very big, very proud, and VERY Kanye with it’s first track, “Dark Fantasy.” From then, it’s an hour and nine minutes of unrelenting magic, winding down with “See Me Now,” an upbeat party track featuring one of my favorite Beyonce hooks and my absolute favorite Big Sean verse to date. Even the bad reviews of this album call it a “near-masterpiece” and “deeply fascinating.” It’s just too good.

Best songs: All the songs are equally fantastic, but the one’s that I find most memorable are “Power,” “Dark Fantasy,” “All of the Lights,” and “Runaway.”

That concludes my ranking of all ten Kanye West albums. I’ll have an ASM2 review out tomorrow, followed by a review of Neighbors, as well as album reviews of Young Money: Rise of an Empire, Demolicious, Ready Steady Go!, and Strangeulation. Like if you like, favorite if you favorite, follow if you follow, don’t forget to follow me on Twitter @BreakingPOORLY, and as always…

Liek dis if uc ry everitime.