Reviews for Normal People

Hi. I review things.

Site News: Lions and Tigers and Bears, Oh My! — April 27, 2014

Site News: Lions and Tigers and Bears, Oh My!

Hey, guys. Just wanted to let you know that I’ll be doing quite a few music reviews in the coming weeks, including a Stank-Ass Ranking of Kanye West’s albums, as well as reviews of Rise of an Empire by Young Money, Demolicious by Green Day, Ready Steady Go! by Drake Bell, and Strangeulation by Tech N9ne. All this interspersed with a lot of movie reviews, including Amazing Spider-Man 2, Neighbors, Chef, Days of Future Past, and A Million Ways to Die in the West, so yeah. It’s going to be a pretty cool month.

Likefavoritefolfwaghosfdfgbpvieabjfdjk.

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Liebster Award — April 20, 2014

Liebster Award

I have just been tagged for a Liebster award, which basically mean I have to do the following:

Post 11 random facts about myself

Answer the 11 questions asked by the blogger who tagged me

Nominate 11 bloggers

Ask them 11 questions so that they can answer them

Alright, here we go.

11 RANDOM FACTS ABOUT MYSELF

1. I play a lot of Minecraft.

2. I watch a lot of Minecraft videos.

3. I watch a lot of other videos too.

4. My favorite YouTuber is Jacksfilms.

5. I have not seen The Godfather, but I have seen The Godfather Part II.

6. I am Jewish.

7. I have one brother and one sister.

8. I like to see a movie every week if I can.

9. I don’t give a fuck.

10. I listen to a lot of rap music, mainly Eminem, Kanye West, and Tech N9ne.

11. I am currently writing this on an 11-inch Macbook Air that I got for my bar mitzvah.

QUESTIONS

1. Favorite movie?

Anchorman is my all-time favorite. Hot Fuzz is a close second.

2. Favorite color?

I am at peace with all colors. But probably blue.

3.  Favorite movie franchise?

This is going to sound weird, but I’m going to have to go with Muppets. They’re certainly not the best (Toy Story, MCU, Lord of the Rings), but they’re the most enjoyable. You can watch them over and over again whenever you want and they’re always delightful.

4. Favorite director?

Edgar Wright. Hands down.

5. Favorite current TV show?

I just did an article about this. It’s Rick and Morty.

6. Favorite all-time TV show?

Arrested Development. I didn’t include it on my current shows list because it’s on Netflix. Also a huge fan of Animaniacs.

7. Favorite band(s)?

OutKast is probably my favorite. Green Day, Rolling Stones, Weezer, Fun., and Lonely Island are also up there.

8. Favorite superhero?

Deadpool.

9. Favorite supervillain?

Deadpool.

10. Favorite book?

The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.

11. Favorite black and white movie?

Citizen Kane. I mean, obviously, right?

My nominees are:

All of my followers. They know who they are.

And finally, here are the questions.

1. What is your favorite movie?

2. Favorite TV show?

3. Do you play any sports? If so, which?

4. Do you watch any YouTube videos? If so, which?

5. Favorite video game?

6. Favorite beverage?

7. Favorite synonym/euphemism for “penis?”

8. Favorite current late night host?

9. Where ya from? Howzat this time of year?

10. How are you doing?

11. Marvel or DC?

Like if you like, favorite if you favorite, follow if you follow, don’t forget to follow me on Twitter @BreakingPOORLY, and as always…

Liek dis i fucry everytim.

Review: My Thoughts While Seeing Transcendence —

Review: My Thoughts While Seeing Transcendence

One year ago today, I published my first review, of Oblivion. I wasn’t fond of it. But I reviewed it in a way that I haven’t done since then. I recorded all of my thoughts while I was seeing the movie. So, in honor of that fateful day, I decided to do the same for Transcendence, the directorial debut of Chris Nolan’s go-to cinematographer, Wally Pfister. Here it is.

9:21 Movie starting in nine minutes. Just saw an ad featuring Jason Derulo and the cast of Devious Maids. Needless to say, it was agonizing.

9:22 Belgian tourism ad appears to be directed by Wes Anderson. Just as I would have guessed.

9:23 Tina Fey is too pretty to pull off frumpy anymore.

9:23 GODDAMMIT DERULO’S BACK

9:26 Never thought Spoderman would’ve sold out even more than he already did. Is Sony funding the postal service now?

9:27 CG Lumière honestly looks better than the traditionally animated one.

9:29 They’re still playing that Drake Sprite ad from five years ago.

9:30 A live performance from Peter Gabriel? Sign me up!

9:30 Movie starting. Roller coaster thing Regal does is playing.

9:31 More like a space coaster. And a mediocre one at that.

9:32 Trailer for the upcoming movie Source Code, I mean, Edge of Tomorrow.

9:33 It’s 2014, why can I see the wires?

9:34 Emily blunt? More like Emily Bland!

9:35 I have absolutely fuck all to say about Jupiter ascending. It just looks awesome.

9:37 Jesus, X-Mem, take a chill pill.

9:40 If Amazing Spoderman 2 isn’t as amazing as it looks, I’ll be very disappointed.

9:41 Wow, five colors? Bit ambitious there, Spiderman.

9:43 Any particular reason the Lucy trailer stole the soundtrack from the Man of Steel trailer?

9:44 The science of Lucy is total bullshit, but it looks awesome.

9:45 Trans4mers honestly looks good. Well, better than the others. Kinda like saying Breaking Dawn Part 2 is the best Twilight movie.

9:50 Begin Again looks OK, but I’ll probably never see it.

9:50 Movie starting officially.

9:52 Seems to take place after the events of The World’s End.

9:53 This movie is very pretty, but nothing is happening.

9:55 Never realized how weird Johnny Depp’s voice was. Is he really incapable of faking a normal voice?

9:55 Johnny Depp really can’t pull off normal. It’s very distracting.

9:56 Cameraman clearly has some serious ADHD.

9:57 I swear to god this exact same hallway was in the Lucy trailer.

9:58 I’m sure that bicycle was very important.

10:00 Will Caster, Wally Pfister, coincidence?

10:01 The guy running the screen behind Depp must be the same guy operating the camera. A dove?

10:02 You shouldn’t mention so many cities and not tell us which one we’re in.

10:03 I cannot stress enough how unfit Johnny Depp is for this role.

10:06 Not physically, mentally. It should be MINN.

10:06 Also, if the I stands for independent, why is it an exclamation point?

10:07 Do surgeons keep syringes full of blood in little candy containers like that?

10:08 What the fuck was that gardening shot?

10:11 Shouldn’t’ve given so much away in the trailers. I know exactly what’s going to happen in this first half.

10:12 Never thought I’d be asking for more dialogue in an action movie.

10:15 OK, is Will going to be the bad guy? Because that doesn’t make a ton of sense.

10:16 I’m sure that basketball net was of vital importance.

10:17 Wow, Paul Bettany had a really fast change of heart just then. It’s almost like they didn’t have to have him be skeptical in the first place! It didn’t even pad the running time!

10:21 Rebecca Hall, who I thought was Scarlett Johannson, looks a lot like Jennifer Lawrence right now.

10:23 Can’t figure out what? How to simulate Will? Did you really not think about that in advance?

10:24 This script is like, 30% “Lose Yourself” lyrics. It’s really weird.

10:25 Wow, totally glanced over the main character’s death. One Morgan Freeman speech and that’s it?

10:27 Was his code out of order? Why?

10:29 If it’s not Will, then what is it?

10:30 Who is she? We saw her earlier in some kind of shack, but who is she?

10:32 That quote was pretty poorly worded. Makes it seem like machines shouldn’t be aiding the human mind.

10:35 No technology, even the internet itself, has the power to do this kind of shit.

10:36 Wait, is this the future, or is this now? Does that make the beginning the later future? It didn’t seem to be THAT much later. Paul Bettany didn’t look any older.

10:38 So far, will hasn’t really done anything wrong.

10:39 What is Morgan Freeman’s job, though? Just delivering long-winded Nolany speeches?

10:39 OK, Blightwood is pretty funny.

10:41 Why are they burning their IDs? They might need them later, y’know? And where are they? I know they’re in the Sierra Nevada, but where?

10:43 Cillian Murphy looks a lot like Christian Bale. Also, they just forced us to watch the same nonsensical exchange all over again for no reason.

10:45 How was PINN able to use Will’s consciousness to its advantage if it was incapable of picking sides? Also, why was it incapable of picking sides? In what sense is that free will?

10:47 If it’s the same one, how did he get it?

10:48 How did he get it anyway, he’s a computer? How did he set any of this up? How did he draw those blueprints? What is going on here? 10:49 What was that water droplet thing?

10:50 Will still hasn’t done anything wrong. Also, how did he simulate himself so well if all he had to go on was those recordings he did when he was bald and a few speeches off the internet. Does he wear that shirt so frequently?

10:52 That nanotechnology that gives people Wolverine-style healing factors is literally the most realistic thing in this movie. 10:53 This is starting to look less like Transcendence and more like Interstellar.

10:54 What is with this guy’s dove obsession?

10:55 An hour into the movie and he’s finally done something wrong.

10:56 That’s gotta weigh 800 pounds? Yeah, that’s why hems using wires to help him lift it.

10:56 This movie started out pretty original, but right now we’ve set up a Luke, a Leia, a Han, a Vader, and an Obi Wan.

10:57 how could he have helped it go viral? He doesn’t control every person on YouTube.

10:59 You can tell it’s scifi because Morgan Freeman’s wearing sunglasses.

11:00 Ooh.

11:01 ScarJo Lawrence already knows that Will is controlling these guys, so why isn’t she doing anything about it?

11:02 And we already know it, so why is the movie making it seem like there’s some kind of mystery?

11:05 Wait, are they in charge of the terrorists? If so, why did they have them kill most of their own staff?

11:06 That bicycle has already turned out to be a crucial plot point.

11:07 As has this goldfish.

11:07 WHO PREPARED THE FOOD? And again, how are they simulating Will so well?

11:08 What happened to all those people that were living in Brightwood?

11:10 That “You’re not allowed” part was unintentionally hilarious.

11:10 AAAAAAAAAAND EXPLOSIONS!

11:11 Paul Bettany looks a lot like a young Clint Eastwood. Or, more accurately, a young old Clint Eastwood.

11:13 AND shaky cam? It must be my birthday.

11:14 Who’s Martin?

11:15 “Widderu going?” Johnny Depp has a really weird voice.

11:16 Nanobots can fly?

11:17 What happened to Will’s consciousness? Or all those other guys’ consciousnesses?

11:19 Again, I don’t remember hearing about a Martin up until this point. Did I just miss an entire character?

11:22 No, he can’t. How? The nanobots are already in the air, so why would shutting down the internet help?

11:23 How did she know? How does she suddenly fully understand the virus, not to mention PINN and Will?

11:24 Really glad the camera took the time to focus on that mud for a little while. Really vital to the atmosphere.

11:26 Evelyn already knew that would happen, unless she’s an idiot, so why is she so surprised? And why didn’t she tell Morgan Freeman?

11:28 “No, I’m afraid that we’ll lose this chance.” “Bullshit. You’re afraid of me.”

11:30 Those two buck toothed guys keep showing up for some reason.

11:30 Wait, the town is still there? I thought they were overhauling it.

11:32 If this program’s so sophisticated, why can’t it pay attention to two things at once? Hell, my iPhone can do that.

11:36 OK, how the fuck did Morgan Freeman survive all that? They even made a joke at the beginning about him being hard to kill. How could they not kill him?

11:37 Wait, if Will wasn’t the bad guy, then who was? These kinds of movies always have a bad guy. Unless… nah. It can’t be.

11:38 Depp was clearly breathing there.

11:39 Why can’t they recreate the internet?

11:39 Why do we keep having to watch the same scenes over and over again?

11:40 wat

11:41 NOLAN! I KNEW IT!

I find it weird that the cinematography was so off, since it was done by Jess Hall, the cinematographer for Hot Fuzz, Grindhouse, and 30 Minutes or Less. Huh.

So, final thoughts? The search for a bad movie continues. Yes, despite my numerous complaints, this was actually a pretty good movie, and definitely way better than Oblivion. See it if you want. Like if you like, favorite if you favorite, follow if you follow, don’t forget to follow me on Twitter @BreakingPOORLY, and as always…

Liek dis if ucry everytim.

READING ABOUT TV: The Five Best Shows on TV — April 18, 2014

READING ABOUT TV: The Five Best Shows on TV

A lot of really good shows have ended recently, including but not limited to How I Met Your Mother, Futurama, Breaking Bad, The Office, and 30 Rock. A lot of people right now are like “What am I to do?” So, here are my picks for the top five best shows on TV.

#5: KEY AND PEELE

No, not KeyCHAIN Peel! Key AND Peele! You miserable fuck.

Key and Peele just kinda showed up one day. I remember watching the first episode for the first time and thinking, “This could be the new Chapelle’s Show.” And  I was right, because Key & Peele is the funniest show on TV right now. It’s weird because, back in their Mad TV days, Keegan and Jordan weren’t that funny. Maybe it’s because they weren’t writing their own stuff. I don’t know. The point is, Keegan and Jordan have become somewhat of a household name because of this sketch show, and it’s pretty clear why.

#4: COMMUNITY

Goddammit

Community’s biggest trademark is its meta humor, often joking about its own chopping block status and low viewership. But that’s not quite what I love about the show. I like when it makes fun of other stuff. I like it when entire episodes are direct parodies of seemingly random movies and shows, including Apollo 13, Die Hard, Se7en, and GI Joe. My favorite example is the paintball episodes, “Modern Warfare,” “A Fistful of Paintballs,” and “For a Few Paintballs More.” As you can imagine, the latter two are a parody of the spaghetti western genre, while the first one parodies a lot of action and apocalypse movie tropes. What “Modern Warfare,” and a few episodes that came out around the same time, did for the show was find a niche, something that Community is good at: full-episode parodies of a specific genre/movie/cartoon. My other favorite episode is “Remedial Chaos Theory,” which brings out another integral part of the Community experience: mind-blowing shit.

#3: GAME OF THRONES

“That’s funny right thurr” -Larry the Cable Guy

Do I hear any counterarguments? No? OK, good. So we’re agreed.

#2: LOUIE

If only

It’s a common saying that Seinfeld is a show about nothing. No, it’s a show about how a comedian gets his material. Now, Louie is a show about nothing. For example, let me tell you the plot of the first episode. Louie volunteers to chaperone at his daughter’s field trip, which goes awry, and then he has an awkward and unsuccessful date with Chelsea Peretti. That’s it. No story, no resolution, no arc, just things happening. So, what makes the show so good? Mainly, it’s Louis CK’s humor, which connects all the vignettes more so than the stories themselves. It’s not just things happening. It’s things happening to Louis CK. And that’s something anyone would want to watch.

Before I unveil my #1 pick, here are some honorable mentions that didn’t make the list for a variety of reasons: The Daily Show, Parks and Recreation, The Colbert Report, South Park, Adventure Time, Arrested Development, House of Cards, Boardwalk Empire, Veep, Saturday Night Live, Sherlock, Doctor Who, True Detective, Cosmos, Supernatural, The Walking Dead, Birthday Boys

And the best show on TV right now is…

#1: RICK AND MORTY

NOPE

I’ve already talked about Rick and Morty, but seriously, it’s amazing. It’s got all the good qualities of these four shows, not to mention some cool sci-fi shit and top-notch voice acting. Watch it ASAP.

So, those are the best shows on TV right now. I’ll have a Transcendence review out tomorrow, followed by a Stank-Ass Ranking of Kanye West albums. Like if you like, favorite if you favorite, follow if you follow, and as always…

Liek dis if uc ry everytim.

STANK-ASS RANKING: The Six Movies I’ve Seen This Year —

STANK-ASS RANKING: The Six Movies I’ve Seen This Year

Let’s just jump right in.

#6: BAD WORDS
As I’ve said before, I haven’t really seen any bad movies so far this year. I think I might see A Haunted House 2, just to have something fun to review, because at this point last year, I had already seen two of the five worst movies of the year. But of the movies I’ve seen so far, the least remarkable was most assuredly Bad Words. It was good, but it just wasn’t that good, ya dig?

#5: MR. PEABODY AND SHERMAN
Mr. Peabody and Sherman was the best example of me not super trying to avoid bad movies. I half-expected it to be terrible. In the end, of course, it was really good, but it still suffered from some typical DreamWorks pitfalls.

#4: CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE WINTER SOLDIER
The thing with Winter Soldier is that I get why people like it so much. It’s got a lot of great action, an interesting plot, and on the surface, seems like a near-perfect film. Yet somehow, it’s boring. I have no idea how a film like this could lose my attention, but it did.

#3: MUPPETS MOST WANTED
Surprise! I actually really liked Muppets Most Wanted! You’ll remember that the only major complaint I had about it was that it was cliché, and I’ve come to the realization that it’s making fun of those clichés, same as every other Muppet movie. There’s never been a Muppet movie that I couldn’t say that about. I really don’t know what I was thinking.

#2: THE GRAND BUDAPEST HOTEL

I think I can say without a doubt that this is my favorite Wes Anderson movie. And yes, I know I said I’d only seen three of them, but I just saw Darjeeling Limited, so shut up. I have no idea how Wes even thought of this. It’s such an odd concept. That being said, it’s an awesome, hilarious movie that you should definitely check out.

#1: THE LEGO MOVIE

Yep, my #1’s still The LEGO Movie. I’m honestly pretty concerned that the first movie I saw this year is going to wind up being the best (technically fourth, but it’s the first that came out this year that I saw this year). It just can’t be beat. It’s one of my all-time favorite kids’ movies. I literally cannot recommend this movie highly enough.

That was a bit of a quickie, so I’ll have something else out later. Likefavoritefollowblargh.

Late Entry: Muppets Most Wanted is Decidedly Not Rick and Morty — April 14, 2014

Late Entry: Muppets Most Wanted is Decidedly Not Rick and Morty

Today I saw Muppets Most Wanted at El Capitan, the swank-ass Disney-owned theater in Los Angeles. The screening began with a cool pre-show, featuring a live performance from Kermit and Miss Piggy, which was a delight. This was followed by a funny enough opening short, featuring the characters from Monsters University. After that came the main event, and it was OK.
My main problem with the movie was that it was really cliche. I expected them to spin one of the many cliches they were using, but they never did. For example, they did the Spartacus ending that every kids’ movie is doing for some reason, and while Mr. Peabody and Sherman put an original spin on it, this movie played it straight. Then again, maybe I’ve been spoiled from watching too much Rick
and Morty
.
Rick and Morty, you see, is a show based entirely upon destroying cliches. In one episode, the Devil tries to pull a fast one on Rick, and just when he thinks he’s won, it turns out that Rick legitimately doesn’t give a fuck. One episode makes fun of how tv shows make everything go back to normal by having Rick and Morty destroy the world, then go to a universe where they saved the world and then died, and resumed their lives in the place of their doppelgängers. I like shows like that that are built around concepts rather than characters or scenarios. Nowadays, the only person who seems to be doing that is Dan Harmon. That’s why his two shows (Rick and Morty and Community) are among the best shows on TV.
But hands down, my favorite episode of Rick and Morty is “Rixty Minutes.” Basically, the episode is about Rick creating a device that allows his family to watch TV shows from all conceivable universes, since Earth C-137 (the Earth they live on) TV kinda sucks. This sounds like it’d lead to some wacky hijinks, right? Instead, it leads to two amazo-fantastic subplots. One of them was made possible by the excellence of Justin Roiland, who voices not only both title characters, but all the characters shown on parallel universe TV. He also improvised all of them. He improvises a lot of his dialogue, but it’s amazing to watch him improvise like, five characters at a time.
The other involves Morty’s parents looking at themselves in parallel universes. One’s a surgeon and the other’s a movie star. The twist is that in all those universes, their daughter is aborted. Ultimately, Morty convinces her to stay by showing her his own grave (this was after the episode where they destroyed the world). I love how they brought back the plot point, since in real life, nothing goes away forever.
So, I give Rick and Morty an A+. It’s probably my favorite show on TV right now, besides maybe Louie. I’ll be reviewing Transcendence on Saturday, followed by reviews of Amazing Spoderman 2 and Neighbors.
Like if you like, favorite if you favorite, follow if you follow, don’t forget to follow me on Twitter @BreakingPOORLY, and as always, Liek dis if u cry evrytim.

THANX AND ROBIN — April 11, 2014

THANX AND ROBIN

Well, guys, this is my 101st post on the blog. And coincidentally, as of this writing, I’ve also hit a major milestone in terms of pageviews: 1,122. I just want to thank everyone who has ever looked at this blog, and everyone who will look at this blog, and in general, everyone who’s helped me get to this point. You’re the bess, mang. While we’re at it, here’s a list of my next couple articles, at least one of which will be out today:

Reading About TV: The Community Finale

Music News-ic: the Best and Worst Song on Each Eminem Album

Stank-Ass Ranking: Muppet Movies

Late Entry: Muppets Most Wanted

Review: Transcendence

and a whole buncha other shit too

Music News-ic: “Na Na” is BORING — April 10, 2014

Music News-ic: “Na Na” is BORING

For those of you who are unaware of him, let me introduce you to Trey Songz. As evidenced by his name, he sings “songz,” the most successful of which was “Bottoms Up,” a catchy little bass-thumper featuring Nicki Minaj in her prime. It was OK, although it rolled the two most overused rap music topics into one: booze and hoes. Which, when read aloud, just sounds like two miscellaneous onomatopoeias, but are, in fact, overused hip hop topics. Trey was fine, but the song probably wouldn’t have been very good without Nicki’s input.

Anyway, Mr. Songz recently came back with a new single, entitled “Na Na.” And before we get to the song, I really have to talk about the video. It’s SO BORING. The brief speaking portions before and after the song are probably about a minute each, but they feel like an eternity because Trey and the girl in the video have no chemistry. At all. There was an SNL skit that was basically just Vanessa Bayer and Kyle Mooney having chemistry. And it was really good. You can’t have a romantic relationship between two characters if the actors don’t have chemistry. It’s just logic, guys. It’s as if they hired the first woman they found who was hot and muscular. That’s probably exactly what they did.

Anyway, the song. Same thing. The beat is boring, the lyrics are tedious, and it’s not even boring in the same sense most of last year’s hits were. Those were boring, but they had some amount of emotion in them. This song has absolutely nothing going for it. The beat is yet another lazy, tedious, monotone beat produced by DJ Mustard, who also produced the beat on “Rack City,” the exact same beat on “I’m Different,” and slightly different but equally boring beats on “Headband,” “Show Me,” and “Feelin’ Myself.” That’s right, will.i.am isn’t even producing his own songs anymore. Go listen to a song from the Black Eyed Peas’ pre-Fergie period and then, presumably, weep. Now that I’ve said literally everything there is to say about this song, let’s talk about the lyrics.

The song starts off with a brief intro. The first line is “Put your hands in the air.” Remember how last year, Lorde said she was over getting told to put her hands in the air? And even then, no one had said that in like, three years? Well, apparently, since Trey Songz hasn’t been around for three years, he hadn’t heard of the death of this former club rap catchphrase. The next line is simply “Trigga,” which is Trey’s nickname and which, in all fairness, is the best use of the “-igga” suffix I’ve ever seen.

The next line is “Mustard on the beat,” a reference to the song’s producer, DJ Mustard, although I like to think that someone spilled actual mustard all over the recording software, and Trey was about to chastise him, then realized he was still recording and spun it. Now seems like an appropriate time to talk about the sample. Now, Songz has been trying to establish some credibility as a singer and rapper since he was 16 (he’s 30 now), and he actually built a fair amount of it with “Bottoms Up.” So, naturally, he followed up his newfound street cred by sampling none other than Teena Marie.

Pictured: gangsta

Here’s the opening bridge:

“Oh na na, look what you done started

Oh na na, why you gotta act so naughty

Oh na na, I’m about to spend all this cash

Oh na na, if you keep shaking that ass”

A true poet. Note how he started each rhyme with the same nonsense phrase, even though it doesn’t alter the structure of the song at all and doesn’t need to be there for any reason whatsoever other than because Trey couldn’t think of a title. Also note how he uses perhaps the most overused not-even-close rhyme of all time: started/naughty. I can’t imagine what inclined Trey and Mustard (whose real name is Dijon McFarlane) to make this song. Was Trey inspired to make this song by some event in his life? Was he in desperate need of another song to fill album space? Even then, I still wouldn’t understand it, because this wound up being the album’s debut single, meaning someone must’ve been pretty proud of this song.

The chorus says “Put your hands in the air if you’re fucking tonight,” along with about three and a half lines of filler words like “oh” and “na” and “say it.” Once again, why does this song exist? What did Trey want people to get out of this song? Is it supposed to be sexy? Is it supposed to be a club banger? Is it supposed to be slow and somber? Is it supposed to be upbeat and bouncy? Is it supposed to be Chris Brown? Chances are, the last one is right.

In the verses, he’s talking to a girl, and he’s saying, “I’m going to treat you how you want to be treated. Now let’s fuck.” That’s it. That’s all he’s saying. There’s nothing else to these verses. I don’t feel like typing them all out in this article, because it would be tedious, since I just summarized them in two sentences. It’s weird how in the verses, he’s talking to a girl, but in the chorus, he appears to be talking to you, the listener. Is he telling the girl to put her hands in the air if she’s down to fuck? If so, wouldn’t it be, “Put your hands in the air if we’re fucking tonight?” Is he asking her if she’s fucking someone else? Why is he telling her to put her hands in the air and not just say yes or no. Is he talking to a girl or a fucking monkey? WHAT IS THIS SONG? Y U DO DIS?

And yet, despite being so perplexing, it’s still an intensely boring song. There’s nothing new in the lyrics, there’s nothing distinctive about Trey Songz or his voice, there’s no story being told, no characters being developed, the beat is barely even there, and it overall feels like this song has absolutely nothing to offer. Oh, and one more thing. Remember how I talked about how vapid the outro to “Team” was in my review of it? Well, have a gander at this.

“Hands in the air, na na na

Hands in the air, na na na”

Overall, I give it a D, because even though the song has no redeeming value, it’s still pretty harmless. Sort of like the Planes of pop music. Like if you like, favorite if you favorite, follow if you follow, don’t forget to follow me on Twitter @BreakingPOORLY, reviews of Muppets Most Wanted, Transcendence, and Amazing Spider-Man 2 coming up, and as always…

Liek dis if u cry evrytim.

Late Entry: Bad Words=The Matrix? I Don’t Even… —

Late Entry: Bad Words=The Matrix? I Don’t Even…

There have been quite a few Jason Bateman movies. In the past ten years or so, the Teen Wolf Too star has made a real name for himself, appearing in shows and movies like Arrested Development, Juno, Hancock, Horrible Bosses, and Identity Thief. However, there’s one slight problem. He plays the same character in everything. And it’s not like he’s not a good actor. We’ve seen from Teen Wolf Too that he doesn’t necessarily need to play Laurel to Will Arnett/David Cross/Colin Farrell/Will Smith/Melissa McCarthy/Michael Cera(?)’s Hardy. But Brett Ratner, Mitch Hurwitz, Jason Reitman, Peter Berg, and Seth Gordon really prefer him that way. If only Bateman had the opportunity to make his own movie.

Enter Bad Words, the Sundance hit that had critics and audiences saying in unison, “Not bad.” The movie has a 63 on Rotten Tomatoes, with reviews ranging from 1/4 to A-. Of course, those are just the outliers. Most agree that the movie is funny and well-directed, but nothing particularly special. So, what do I have to say about this flick?

I disagree. It’s much more significant than the other Bateman movies, in that it’s Bateman’s directorial debut, he plays a character that’s not himself, and it’s an honest-to-god attempt at a great movie rather than just a comedy. I’d even go as far as to say it’s my favorite Bateman movie. It’s definitely better than Identity Thief, better than The Change-Up, better than The Switch, way better than Couples Retreat, and dare I say a little bit better than Horrible Bosses. The reason for that, once again, is that it’s not just a comedy, it’s a film. It’s interesting and it explores its characters and it deals with themes of growing up, and jealousy, and it satirizes the country’s obsession with victory and spelling bees in general. It’s about somethng, while Horrible Bosses is just something.

A few problems, though. First of all, the sex scenes are a bit drawn out and uncomfortable. Maybe that’s what he was going for, I don’t know. Second of all, the kid was not an amazing actor. He was alright, he was better than Walter from Anchorman 2, but he was pretty off at times. Oh, well. What can you expect from a child actor? One of the things that kind of annoyed me was the whole unexplained Matrix vibe the movie had. A lot of it was tinted a dull green, and Jason Bateman’s character was a normal guy who still stood out in a way and liked to wear long coats. It’s really weird because, even though green symbolizes that reality is off-kilter, reality really isn’t off-kilter at all in this movie. I liked how in the scenes that were supposed to be on public television, things were more bright and colorful, but I didn’t like how in the last scene, everything was bright and colorful. Why? Why was everything green in the first place? What is this?

What the movie perhaps most reminded me of is Portlandia, which has the same awkward humor and normal-yet-absurd vibe of Portlandia, as well as the same mostly dull color scheme. Of course, the movie balances out the awkward humor with frat boy Seth Rogen humor, but still, there are some similarities there. The movie also manages to have some very complex and interesting characters, especially the kid, and especially Jason Bateman’s character. And especially Lisa, but especially Bart.

Overall, I give the movie an A-. See it if you haven’t already. Once again, I find it interesting that I’ve yet to see a bad movie this year, and not only that, but all the movies I’ve seen this year have received A’s from me. And I’m not even trying to avoid bad ones! This could be a very good year, from the looks of it. Like if you like, favorite if you favorite, follow if you follow, don’t forget to follow me on Twitter @BreakingPOORLY, and as always…

Liek dis if u cry evrytim.

Review: Winter Soldier=This Means War? — April 6, 2014

Review: Winter Soldier=This Means War?

I’ve said before that, besides The Avengers, Captain America is my favorite MCU movie. The cast is great, the story is great, the action is great, and it’s one of the select few superhero movies that is not just a good superhero movie, but a good movie as well. So, I was pretty hyped for the movie’s sequel, Captain America: the Winter Soldier. And I must say, I’m very disappointed.

Now, don’t get me wrong, the movie isn’t bad at all. But coming from the directors of mainly comedies, including many episodes of Arrested Development and Community, I expected something a little less… dark. The first Captain America, while dark at times, was still an upbeat throwback to the Superman style of superhero movies. This was just not that. The movie this movie most closely resembles is This Means War, the 2011 spy comedy starring Bane and Spock, in that while there is an air of humor, the overall tone of the movie is too dark and clinical. And spy-y.

The movie did little for the Marvel universe as a whole, besides bringing Bucky back into play. However, there was a post-credits scene that revealed three things. A) that Hydra is holding Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch captive, B) that Loki’s scepter is the third Infinity Gem, and C) that Hydra has the third Infinity Gem. Presumably, the other infinity gems will be introduced in Guardians of the Galaxy, Ant-Man, and Doctor Strange, although saying “presumably” makes a pres out of u and mably.

Anyway, what did I like about this movie? The story’s pretty good. There’s an interesting little conspiracy theory in there. I love how they explained what happened to a lot of the characters from the first movie. I also loved how they gave Nick Fury a larger role. If you haven’t seen the movie yet and just read the article ‘cuz you don’t care about spoilers, you may notice that Fury is killed off within the first half hour. However, as you may know already, SHIELD agents are very hard to kill.

I was really interested by the notion that Hydra was controlling SHIELD and bringing the world to a point where they were willing to give up their freedom in the interest of security. It’s a pretty cool little theory, and it adds a bit of realism to a series that gets less realistic by the hour. However, I do love that they’re kind of slowly making things more and more ridiculous to prepare us for Thanos and (hopefully) the One Above All.

But the one thing that I dislike about this movie above all (pun intended) is that it’s just kind of boring. That’s not to say it’s not action-packed; it is, but on a fundamental level, nothing about the movie is particularly exciting. Winter Soldier, despite (or perhaps because of) being as much of a superhero as Cap, always just felt like a normal guy to me. And yes, most of the Iron Man villains are normal guys, but Iron Man makes up for it with humor and iron suits and such. On some level, this just feels like two normal guys fighting, who happen to be spies… just like This Means War.

Overall, I give it a B. In terms of Marvel movies, I put it squarely in between Thor 2 and Iron Man 3putting it at… #6. Out of 9. That sounds a lot worse than it actually is. Anyway, Like if you like, favorite if you favorite, follow if you follow, don’t forget to follow me on Twitter @BreakingPOORLY, and as always…

Liek dis if u cry evertim.