As many of you know, I don’t hold WALL-E in as high a regard as most others. This is for several reasons. There were a few plot holes, and yes I know that plot holes aren’t enough of a  reason to dislike movie, but these really took me out of the movie. I also didn’t find the characters to be endearing or even all that memorable. There are a few other reasons, but I’ll get to those later. Do I think WALL-E is bad? No. It’s very good. I just don’t think it’s the best Pixar movie, and definitely not the best movie of all time. But with the recent announcement of Cars 3 and Incredibles 2, now seems like a good time to tell you guys how I feel about Pixar. So without further adieu, here’s my ranking of every movie released by Pixar. OK, a little further adieu. The titles are accompanied by photos of major cast members looking nonchalant. Alright, here we go.

#12: A BUG’S LIFE

Dave Foley, who voiced Flik and lives in a van down by the river

I am fully aware that some people really like A Bug’s Life, but I’m sorry, I just can’t sit through it. I’d say why it’s bad, but once again, I can’t watch it for more than ten minutes, so I really don’t know. It’s really forgettable, the characters are unlikable, the plot is pretty thin and goes nowhere, and if it’s true that Antz is directly ripped off from A Bug’s Life, then Dreamworks should really start ripping off more movies. This is the only Pixar film that I truly don’t like.

#11: BRAVE

Kelly MacDonald, who looks more like a minor pop star than an actress, for some reason

Now, you’re probably wondering where Cars 2 is. Don’t worry, I’m getting to that. Brave is pretty good. It’s a fairly decent princess movie, not unlike 2010’s Tangled. The problem is that it’s not a Pixar movie. It’s a Disney movie. And that’s a problem that Pixar’s been experiencing a lot the past few years. They’re not making Pixar movies anymore. They’re making Disney movies. Hopefully Inside Out will end this trend. After all, Inside Out looks fucking amazing. And if not that, then perhaps The Good  Dinosaur, which features such talented cast members as Neil Patrick Harris, Bill Hader, Lil Wayne, John Lithgow, WAIT WAIT WAIT back up a second. Yes, you read that correctly. Lil Wayne, the rapper known for having up to three good songs in his 18-year career, will be voicing a somewhat significant character in The Good Dinosaur. Yep. Well, hopefully Inside Out will be good.

#10: CARS

Don’t mind me, just suckin’ on a particularly tiny lollipop.

Let me briefly explain to you why I feel that Cars is worse than Cars 2. Chances are, very few of you have seen the 1991 movie Doc Hollywood. It starred Michael J Fox and revolved around a doctor trying to get to LA and being sidetracked in a small rural town. Now, you may notice that this is pretty much the same plot as Cars. This is because Cars and Doc Hollywood are the EXACT SAME MOVIE. It’s not like they just share the basic plot, almost every single aspect of these movies is the same. A rich and respected guy gets bored of being rich and respected, decides to go to Hollywood to be even more rich and respected, crashes into public property in a small town somewhere along the road to Hollywood, is taken to court and sentenced to community service, thereby forcing him to stay in that small town, slowly warms to the simply country folk that live in the small town, as well as the idea of living in a small town, meets an attractive local girl, they fall in love, finishes his community service, goes off to California having been made a better person by the experience, once in California, finds that he misses the small town, and ultimately decides to return to the small town. THE SAME FUCKING MOVIE. Cars 2 ripped off The Man Who Knew Too Little, but not note for note.

#9: CARS 2

You would not believe how hard it is to find a nonchalant photo of Larry the Cable Guy

I’ve always been a defender of Cars 2. It’s not that I think it’s particularly good. I just don’t think it’s bad. The animation is great, the plot, while VERY high-concept, is actually pretty interesting, and if it weren’t a Pixar movie, I think we would all agree that it was pretty good. For one thing, it remains the only entity that has made me like Larry the Cable Guy, even though he is playing a character playing a character, which is totally ludicrous. But anyway, I can’t honestly say I didn’t like this movie. I thought it was pretty good.

#8: MONSTERS UNIVERSITY

Billy Crystal, looking young enough to be my father

As you may remember, I gave Monsters U a pretty glowing review. And as you may also remember, I gave it an A-. So how did it end up so low on the list? Simple: all other Pixar movies are fantastic. That being said, this movie is really good. The only real problem I have with it is that it’s a bit formulaic.  I expected most of the stuff the movie had to throw at me, and the only part of the movie that truly matched the greatest moments in Pixar’s finest was the camp scene, which was just amazing.

#7: WALL-E

Ben Burtt, symbolically showing his reign over everything you love.

There! See! I don’t hate WALL-E! Please don’t kill me. I didn’t even artificially inflate WALL-E, this is really where I’d put WALL-E on this list. I really do enjoy this movie, just not as much as the ones above it on this list. I’ve heard people say WALL-E is their favorite movie, and while I wholeheartedly disagree, I get it. I get why everyone loves WALL-E so much. I just disagree.

#6: FINDING NEMO

Alex Gould, with his hands pocket-adjacent

Now, let me make myself clear. I love all of these top 6 movies. Every last one of them. I almost love them equally, which made it super hard for me to rank them. So, let’s talk about Finding Nemo. Finding Nemo is fantastic. The story is great, the characters are great, the voice acting is great (special props to Albert Brooks, who managed to have a very respectable career as an actor and comedian despite looking like Albert Brooks, and Barry Humphries, who would go on to reprise his role as Bruce the shark in The Hobbit (it’s the same character, let’s be honest).

#5: RATATOUILLE

‘Sup, girl? I’ve been on “Word Girl” 26 times.

Ratatouille is just impossible not to like. My friend Squidward says it’s just OK, but he still likes it. Errbody likes it. Ratatouille is one of 4 Pixar films that is, for the most part, about people. And rats. But the rats are also about people. If that makes sense. Or if it doesn’t, really. The movie has two storylines, one about a rat who likes actual food instead of eating garbage, and one about a clumsy cook who finds out he’s the rightful owner of the restaurant he works at. There’s no one protagonist, because a lot of the movie follows Remy, and a lot of it follows Linguine, but for the most part, it’s about the relationship between the two of them, and how it affects their lives. The title is particularly interesting because it invokes something that doesn’t really come up until the very end, something Pixar seems to do a lot of (Finding Nemo? Spoilers, man).

#4: MONSTERS, INC.

Man, Bryan Cranston put on some weight.

I’ve probably seen Monsters, Inc. more times in the past two years than any other Pixar film (4). I’m not even 100% sure why, but I seem to watch Monsters, Inc. every chance I get. I think it’s because I feel like I missed something; like there was a whole other subplot that I’d completely ignored the first time. I don’t know how to make that sound like a good thing. But I really love this movie. If you haven’t seen it, please do. I’ll wait.

#3: UP

Ed Asner’s face is permanently locked in this position.

Up is by far the saddest, and funniest, Pixar movie. I don’t think anyone can truly say they didn’t cry at that opening sequence. And truly, it’s not only the funniest Pixar movie, it’s one of the funniest movies of the past ten years. I didn’t even remember it being particularly funny the first time I saw it, but after seeing it on a bunch of lists of the funniest movies of the past ten, twenty, thirty years, I decided to watch it again. And yeah, it’s really fucking funny. Up 2 was kind of confirmed a few years back, but it seems to have been disconfirmed or something, because I haven’t heard anything recently. Hopefully it happens, and hopefully, it’s better than Monsters U.

#2: {tie} TOY STORY, TOY STORY 2, AND TOY STORY 3

For whatever reason, Tom Hanks looks really German in this photo

Alright, honestly, I don’t really love all the Toy Story films equally, and honestly, if I split them up, at least one of them would probably not have surpassed Up. However, that would make three out of the top five Toy Story movies, which just doesn’t feel right. Also, my opinion on the Toy Story movies changes based on my mood. Sometimes, I’ll say the first is the best, sometimes I’ll say the second is the best, sometimes I’ll even say I prefer the third. So, I decided to group them all together. And as a franchise, Toy Story truly belongs at #2 for its groundbreaking animation, great, mostly-original story, and unforgettable characters. They truly are among the all-time greats.

And finally, the greatest Pixar film of all time is…

#1: THE INCREDIBLES

In case you’re wondering, no, Craig T. Nelson isn’t really the founder of Craigslist.

Incredibles is, put simply, incredible. It works on every level, and is about the closest thing to flawless I’ve ever seen in a movie.

Pictured: flawless
Pictured: flawless

Pixar is known for getting celebrity voice actors, and at times, it is a bit grating (Larry the Cable Guy, Tim Allen, John Ratzenberger EVERY DAMN TIME), but for this movie, they wisely chose to use lesser celebrities, like Craig T. Nelson, Holly Hunter, and Jason Lee. The only big name attached to this movie is Samuel L. Jackson, who only serves to make the movie more flawless by being Samuel L. Jackson in a Pixar movie. One of the biggest problems with WALL-E is that it’s not really for kids, and one of the biggest problems with Cars is that it’s not really for adults, but Incredibles maintains the perfect balance of visual humor and action for kids, as well as boring adult stuff like interesting moral dilemmas and complex characters. There are seven negative reviews of this on Rotten Tomatoes, but they are total bullshit. Incredibles is amazing. There’s a reason its 41 Metacritic reviews contain 14 100’s. If you can’t understand that sentence, it means that the movie is really good.

So, that’s my ranking of the Pixar films. Next up: Grand Budapest Hotel review, followed by Bad Words review, followed by Captain America review, followed by Rio 2 review, followed by Muppets Most Wanted review. Like if you like, favorite if you favorite, follow if you follow, don’t forget to follow me on Twitter @BreakingPOORLY, and as always…

Liek dis if u cry everytim.

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