At the moment, Eminem is my favorite artist. Sure, he’s had a lot of highs and lows through the years, but the highs are so high that I can excuse the lows (for the most part). Today, I’ll be ranking the Eminem albums in order of worst to best. First off, I will not be counting any D12 albums, nor will I be counting 8 Mile, because I have not heard the whole album and quite frankly, I’m not interested. Alright. Here we go. As per usual, each album is accompanied by the first Google Images result for their names. Let’s start with the worst.

#11: THE RE-UP

A different, not quite as terrible album of the same name by another artist who disappointed everyone.

Yeah, remember this one? Didn’t think so. Unlike the other albums on this list, not one of the songs on this album works. It’s just one piece of shit after the other. I didn’t even have it in me to listen to this whole album for the purposes of giving it an honest review. Every song just makes you think “Holy shit, how did such talented people come up with this shit?” The answer, of course, is drugs. Lots and lots of ’em.

#10: ENCORE

Hold on… when you search for the word “encore,” the first result is the Eminem album? What the fart?

Mai gawd. Fuck this album. Fuck every last song on this album. Even “Like Toy Soldiers.” Fuck every last person involved with this garbage. Once again, I want to point out that this album is only the second-worst album in Eminem’s repertoire. This is the same guy who made The Eminem Show A YEAR BEFORE THIS CAME OUT. ONE. YEAR.

#9: RELAPSE/RELAPSE 1.5

Featuring such classics as “Coupler, a matchmaker.”

Even Eminem admits that Relapse was bad. And while not every song on the album was terrible, there’s no excuse for such crimes against humanity as “Crack a Bottle,” “Beautiful,” “We Made You,” and “Must Be the Ganja.” And while there are a few other OK songs on the album, the only one that I can really praise is “Forever.” Cause that was pretty epic.

#8: CURTAIN CALL: THE HITS

I’m gonna be honest: This wasn’t the first result. I just don’t want to make it lame by having every first result be the actual album cover.

That’s right. Eminem’s greatest hits album is one of his worst. There are a few minor reasons for this. The album includes songs like “Mockingbird” and “Just Lose It,” both of which are pretty bad, despite the claim that it is, once again, a greatest hits album. But really, I put this album so low on the list for one reason and one reason alone: “Fack.” “Fack” is not only the worst song Eminem has ever released; it’s one of the worst songs ever. Period. Exclamation point. Asterisk. Don’t listen to the song. I don’t want you to listen to the song. If you want, you can look at the lyrics. But you shouldn’t have to endure the pain of listening to the actual song. Also, no matter how terrible you think it is when reading the lyrics, it’s actually worse. But it gets even worse. Let’s say you’re someone in 2005 who wants to get into Eminem’s music. Then, you find out that he released a new greatest hits album. So, you decide to buy the album. And then, upon listening to the album, before “Lose Yourself,” before “My Name Is,” before “Without Me,” the VERY FIRST SONG ON THE ALBUM is “Fack.” As Dolan Duck might say, “Emenim pls.”

#7: INFINITE

My favorite’s the one on the far right. He’s facing the wrong way cuz he’s a rebel.

This was kind of like the Eminem experiment. He had yet to meet Dr. Dre, all the songs were produced by Mr. Porter, Eminem was signed to the Bass Brothers at the time, who would later record a George Clinton album in 2008 and HOLY SHIT GEORGE CLINTON RELEASED AN ALBUM IN 2008. Everything about this album is almost Eminem, but as expected, it’s not quite the same. The most common comment Marshall claims to get about the album is that it sounds like AZ. I’ve never heard anything from AZ, and I’m too lazy to check it out. But yeah, this album’s not very good. It’s excusable, though.

#6: RECOVERY

Crap, we’re going the wrong way

Recovery was good. I guess. Yeah, it’s been said before, but this time it’s different, because I’m saying it. Recovery’s mood was off. Eminem isn’t supposed to be inspirational or lovelorn or anything like that. Eminem is supposed to be bouncing off the fucking wall. That’s not to say there aren’t a lot of good songs on this album. “No Love” is one of my top 20 favorites of his, and “Won’t Back Down” plays like a sort of proto-“Survival,” a song that gets better and better every time I hear it. So yeah, Recovery is alright.

#5: THE SLIM SHADY LP

That “Slim Shady” was written by none other than 50 Cent

This is the album that put Eminem on the map. So naturally, it had to be pretty good. And while there are a few things that don’t really work and the album’s a bit rough around the edges, it’s still a very fun, very energetic, and very special episode of Family Matters. Plus, according to Wikipedia, the Ken Kaniff skit was written by none other than Aristotle himself! Seriously!

Would Aristotle lie to you?
Would Aristotle lie to you?

#4: HELL: THE SEQUEL

It’s almost maddening to look at the Google Images results for this title.

Yes, Hell 2 beats out Slim Shady LP. The main reason I put 2Hell2Furious so high on the list is because… it’s really fucking good.

#3: THE MARSHALL MATHERS LP

You can tell this one’s more mature because he uses his real name: Explicit Bruce Content III

Alright, I’m going to be the first to admit it: This album is flawed. Not everything about this album is perfect. I dare say not everything on this album is great. In fact, I would argue that a few things on the album aren’t even good. The skits are rap album skits at their skittish-est. “Kim” is… not very good. It’s flawed. FLAWED.

#2: THE MARSHALL MATHERS LP 2

Oh, that’s interesting. A condemnation notice. Let me just read it for a secWHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA?

MMLP2 is one of the few album sequels that’s actually, well, a sequel. The Blueprint 2 had about as much to do with the first one as the first one had to do with The Dynasty, and the sequence of the Tha Carter albums is just to make you think Lil Wayne is actually saying something. But this song is clearly a direct follow-up to the original Marshall Mathers LP. And they make that clear right away with the first track, “Bad Guy,” a direct follow-up to “Stan,” which is then followed by a skit that follows up on “Criminal.” There is not a single bad song on the album. While it’s nothing like any other song on the album, even “Stronger Than I Was” wasn’t bad, especially once you realize that it’s from Kim’s perspective. Also, now that I’ve had several months to let the album gel in my mind, I can say with little doubt that my favorite songs on the album are “Love Game,” “Bad Guy,” and “Rap God.” And “Evil Twin.” Once again, there really aren’t any bad songs on the album.

And the #1 Eminem album of all time is…

#1: THE EMINEM SHOW

It’s the Eminem Show, with your host, Conan O’Brien!

I said earlier that there’s a certain emotion Eminem should ideally convey in most of his songs, that emotion being insane anger and attitude. And never is that more prominent than on this most fantastic of albums, wherein Eminem makes the message clear that he’s here, he’s vaguely homophobic, get used to it. Hell, even the skits on this album aren’t that bad. Everything about the album works, and every aspect of the album has grown to define Eminem as a person and as an artist. Also, and this is just personal opinion, but “Without Me” is probably my favorite Slim Shady song.

So, that’s my opinion, and I’m sticking to it, unless someone can convince me otherwise, because I’m pretty flexible on this. Like if you like, favorite if you favorite, follow if you follow, don’t forget to follow me on Twitter @BreakingPOORLY, and as always…

Liek dis if u cry eveyrtim.

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