Reviews for Normal People

Hi. I review things.

MUSIC NEWS-IC: #SELFIE — March 27, 2014

MUSIC NEWS-IC: #SELFIE

Yeah, two in one day. Remember how I said you’d be seeing a lot of these? I was serious. So, without further adieu, let’s talk about the latest viral smash, “#SELFIE” by the Chainsmokers.

The song is the latest in a line of songs that got popular on the internet and then crept their way onto the charts, like “The Fox,” “Gentleman,” “Gangnam Style,” “Harlem Shake,” and “We Might Be Dead Tomorrow,” which is already out of the top ten, despite having debuted at #9 yesterday. The song is also supposedly one of those “so bad it’s good” types of songs, so it’s more like “Friday” than any of those other songs I mentioned. One problem.

It’s not that bad. Don’t get me wrong, it’s bad. But what no one seems to understand is that it’s intentionally bad. So many people seem to think that the Chainsmokers are just a girl and a DJ who thought they could make a good song. What is wrong with these people? This is more “Gangnam Style” social commentary than “Friday” ridiculousness. It’s all a joke. And you guys fell for it.

What I like about this song is that it’s commenting on something that hasn’t really been commented on, at least in music. Sure, it has some mean/valley girl parodies in there, but it’s mainly about how selfies are further reinforcing said stereotypes by providing a perfect outlet for them to be shallow and manipulative. This is a parody of modern young adult culture more than anything else.

However, it’s not the best commentary. Most of the jokes that are cracked have already been said before, way too much of it is setup for a later joke, and the beat sounds eerily like “Gentleman,” PSY’s overall unsuccessful follow-up to “Gangnam Style.” I’d comment on the lyrics, but there’s really not much to say that I haven’t already said. I may have to release a third Music News-ic tonight, since this one was also really short.

So in sum, is the song listenable? No. Is it bad? No. Overall, I give it a C+. Like if you like, favorite if you favorite, follow if you follow, follow me on Twitter @BreakingPOORLY, and as always…

Liek dis if u cyr everytim.

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MUSIC NEWS-IC: Best Day of My Life —

MUSIC NEWS-IC: Best Day of My Life

You’re going to be seeing a lot of these song reviews because, quite frankly, they’re by far the most popular part of the site. Basically, I’m going to be reviewing any song on the Hot 100 that I have something to say about. I also won’t be reviewing songs that have been all over the radio for quite some time, or songs that have already been reviewed by Todd in the Shadows or the Rap Critic. That being said, American Authors.

American Authors is another band that emerged in the indie rock boom of 2012, like Fun. or Imagine Dragons. Their first big hit is “Best Day of My Life,” which you may recognize from a bunch of commercials. Never say selling out is a sign of a band’s demise. Anyway, the song is a happy-go-lucky number about a guy that… has a good night’s sleep. Basically.

It’s actually more about aspiring to achieve one’s dreams, and waking up every day with a sense of energy rather than dread. It’s pretty nice. The lyrics are pretty straightforward, but what really stands out is the beat, which combines clapping, banjo, guitar, bass, and drums into an impressive cacophony of feel-good vibes. It’s pretty nice.

The song it most reminds me of is “It’s Time,” by Imagine Dragons, who went on to meet, disappoint, meet again, and exceed expectations over the course of the past year. But back in 2012, when “It’s Time” came out, it was Imagine Dragons came out. It was upbeat, but decidedly rock, and combined elements of clapping, banjo, guitar, and drums…

You can see from where I drew the comparison. Of course, the songs themselves aren’t all that similar. “It’s Time” is about overcoming depression and fighting for your cause, while “Best Day of My Life” is about making your dreams a reality. Actually, those do sound kinda similar. Never mind.

So overall, I give “Best Day of My Life” a B+. A bit hollow, but enjoyable nonetheless. Sorry that this one was shorter than usual; I just didn’t have a lot to say. Like, favorite, and follow if that’s your kind of thing, don’t forget to follow me on Twitter @BreakingPOORLY, and as always…

Liek dis if ucry evertim.

MUSIC NEWS-IC: We Might Be Dead By Tomorrow- Why?! — March 26, 2014

MUSIC NEWS-IC: We Might Be Dead By Tomorrow- Why?!

Sometimes, something weird pops up on the Hot 100. Often, for some odd reason, an often-terrible song by an obscure band makes its way high up on the charts briefly and then fades into obscurity. Recent examples include “Bulletproof” by La Roux, “I’m Awesome” by Spose, “We No Speak Americano” by Yolanda Be Cool, “Brokenhearted” by Karmin, and the infamous “Harlem Shake.” Of course, those songs aren’t awful, per se, with the exception of “Harlem Shake,” which wasn’t funny, wasn’t a good song, was way too long (three and a half minutes of “con los terroristas”), and was overall an unpleasant experience for all involved.

The reason I bring this up is because there’s a new fluke in the Hot 100, and her name is Soko. You may know her from either listening to a lot of indie French music, watching a lot of French movies, or carefully combing the credits of Her, in which she voiced Isabella. And her latest single is “We Might Be Dead Tomorrow,” a whispery little indie song about death and love and how no one can claim to have loved their parents as much as she loved her father, and the video’s about a lesbian couple who dies, or their parents died, or death looms over them, or…

What the fuck is this? How did this hit #9? That’s right, it debuted on Billboard at #9. What happened? Why did so many people buy the musical equivalent of one of the artsy French films Soko stars in? Apparently, it appeared in the viral YouTube video “First Kiss,” and that’s about 96% of the reason it got on the Hot 100. So basically, it’s the new “Harlem Shake.”

But the weird thing is how abrupt this was. Most videos take a couple weeks or at least a week to go viral, but I check the Heatseeker chart two days ago, and I didn’t see this there. This song literally debuted at #9 on the Hot 100. Of course, the song has already been out for two years, so obviously, it was just the video. But still, it was so random. It would be like if Toby Turner’s “Viral Song” suddenly wound up on the Hot 100. It just confuzzles me.

But I haven’t gotten to the worst part yet. This song got even higher on another Billboard list. Can you guess which one? That’s right, it’s the third-most popular rock song right now. This is NOT rock! I don’t get how this can be misconstrued as rock. Wikipedia lists it as “indie pop,” but it’s not even really that. Also, Wikipedia lists “indie pop” as a sub-sub-genre of rock, which doesn’t make sense because “pop” is right there in the name. But anyway, this is French New Age indie pop, quite possibly the most pretentious genre imaginable. And I haven’t even gotten to the lyrics yet.

Actually, there’s not much to say about the lyrics. What I said before may make it seem like the lyrics are too vague, but they’re actually way too simple. There’s no symbolism, nothing new or memorable, about a quarter of the lyrics are just “‘Cause soon enough we’ll die” repeated ad nauseum, the English is somewhat broken, and none of it even rhymes, all of which makes an even more compelling case for why this is the musical equivalent of an artsy French film: experimental, confusing, hipster-y, pretentious, and thinks it’s much more profound than it actually is.

Overall, I give this song a C, because it is a pretty beautiful song if you’re in the right mood. And if you don’t care about lyrics. In case you didn’t pick up on it, I do care about lyrics. Like if you like, favorite if you favorite, follow if you follow, don’t forget to follow me on Twitter @BreakingPOORLY, and as always…

Like dis if u cry everytim.

Why One Direction Are the New Beatles — March 24, 2014

Why One Direction Are the New Beatles

Now, let me make myself perfectly clear. I am not a Directioner. I’ve only liked two 1D singles (Best Song Ever, Story of My Life), and I haven’t listened to anything but their most popular songs. What I’m doing today is simply noting the parallels between 1D and the Beatles, a band I’ve always found to be a tad overrated (More of a Stones guy, myself). We’ll start with:

#1) ORIGINS

Oh god, no

There are no parallels between the origins of the Beatles and One Direction.

#2) FREAKY CHRONOLOGICAL STUFF

"Hi, everybody!" "Hi, Doctor..."
“Hi, everybody!”
“Hi, Doctor…”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Beatles’ first single to chart in the US came out in 1961. 1D’s first single to chart in the US came out in 2011, 50 years later. The Beatles’ first good single to chart in the US came out in 1963. 1D’s came out in 2013, once again, 50 years later. In their first year active, 1D and the Beatles each released two singles. The Beatles were 21, 19, 18, and 21 when their first single came out. 1D were 18, 21, 19, 20, and 19 when their first single came out. the average age of the Beatles at the time was 19.75. The average age of 1D was 19.4. If some of my numbers are wrong, please do not correct me.

#3) THE MUUUUUUUUUSIC, MAN!

It’s my favorite movie, man

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Beatles’ first few singles sucked. Their first, “My Bonnie,” was essentially a sea shanty, and not a good one at that. Their first couple songs were the kind of vapid, generic trash we’ve come to expect from boy bands like One Direction. Their first good single, “Roll Over Beethoven,” was still a typical ’60s surf rock number, and was a cover of a song by Chuck Berry (1D got their start on X Factor, covering songs like “Torn” by Ednaswap (don’t ask me)). Obviously, you could see how this stage in their career resembles One Direction. But here’s where it gets interesting.

#4) I SAW HER STANDING THERE

Can you read this sheet music? The Beatles couldn’t.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

“I Saw Her Standing There” and “Best Song Ever” may as well be the same song. Looking at the Beatles’ previous singles, they’re all addressed to “you” (Love Me Do, PS I Love You, I Want to Hold Your Hand, From Me To You, Thank You Girl, She Loves You, I’ll Get You, etc). And looking at 1D’s previous singles… same thing (What Makes You Beautiful, One Thing, Live While We’re Young, Little Things, etc). But “I Saw Her Song Ever” was their first song that felt real, like it was about a real person. This was made possible by detailed lines (“She was 17,” “Her name was Georgia Rose”), as well as genuine, heartfelt lyrics. Of course, “Best Song Ever” wasn’t written by any members of 1D, but the principle’s the same. It was true for someone. The songs themselves are also really similar. They’re both about dancing with a girl and falling in love with them. “Best Song Ever”‘s riff was stolen from “Baba O’Riley” by the Who, while “I Saw Her Standing There”‘s was lifted from “Talkin’ About You” by Chuck Berry. They’re both very upbeat, pop-rock songs, despite their romantic lyrics, and even some of the lyrics are the same. Look at this:

Beatles: “1, 2, 3, 4!”

One Direction: “1, 2, 1, 2, 3!”

Beatles: “And the way she looked was way beyond compare”

One Direction: “Maybe it’s the way she walked straight into my heart and stole it”

Beatles: “Whoah, we danced through the night”

One Direction: “And we danced all night to the best song ever”

Y’see? And of course, this brings us to the last point there is to talk about, since 1D hasn’t really done anything else:

#5) STORY OF MY LIFE

“Story of My Life” is actually really good. And it’s not really like any Beatles song. “You Really Got a Hold On Me” is similar in theme, but it sucks and was never released as a single. This could be a sign of 1D becoming something distinct, which could lead to great things for them in the future. Just like the Beatles, when they became something distinct, in… 1964. Huh.

So, that’s how 1D parallels the Beatles. Let’s hope they continue down this path. I’ll have a bunch of other articles out eventually. Like if you like, favorite if you favorite, follow if you follow, don’t forget to follow me on Twitter @BreakingPOORLY, and as always…

Like dis if yu cry evertim.

Review: Grand Budapest Hotel is a Weird-Ass Movie — March 23, 2014

Review: Grand Budapest Hotel is a Weird-Ass Movie

I like Wes Anderson. I’m fairly certain everyone does. What some don’t like is Anderson’s eccentric style, which includes often-robotic acting, cartoonish violence, and Jason Schwartzman. Obviously, there’s a lot not to like. But there’s also a lot to like, like amazing set design, great costumes, strange, unique stories, and Bill Murray. And all of these were present in The Grand Budapest Hotel.

In all honesty, GBH is only the third Wes Anderson movie I’ve seen, the other two being Fantastic Mr. Fox and The Royal Tenenbaums. So I’m not exactly an Anderson expert. But one thing I’ve noticed is that Anderson movies often have a standout performance. In Tenenbaums, it was Gene Hackman. In Fox, it was Jason Schwartzman. But in Grand Budapest Hotel, the standout actor was undoubtedly Ralph Fiennes, who managed to make a decent living despite not being able to pronounce his own name correctly.

But outside of the amazing set pieces and Andersonian cameos, Budapest is basically a Murder By Death-style comedy caper, and quite frankly, I love that. Another thing I love about the movie is that it just gets better, more fast-paced, and more “out there” as it goes along. By the end of the movie, when they found themselves stopping in a barley field again, the movie had gone from classic cast-driven Anderson fare to raunchy screwball comedy. It’s as if the serious parts of American Hustle and the funny parts of American Hustle were separated on opposite sides of the movie. Also, better.

You know what this movie is? This movie is Wes Anderson trying to make a Coen Brothers movie. Seriously, this movie takes all the good parts of Burn After Reading and combines them with all the good parts of Anderson’s past three movies (Moonrise Kingdom, Fox, Darjeeling Limited). Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Not at all

The movie’s not perfect, of course. A lot of my problems with American Hustle were also present in this movie, albeit to a lesser extent. For example, the lack of actual substance behind the layers of makeup and costumes and fanciful characters, or the totally wasted cameos from people who deserve better (DeNiro, Louis C.K., Jeff Goldblum, Bill Murray). But once again, to a lesser extent. This is kind of like what American Hustle should have been. Like, if Wes Anderson wrote American Hustle, and it was the same actors playing the same characters but the script was different, that would be perfect.

I don’t know why I keep bringing up American Hustle in this Grand Budapest Hotel review, but I don’t really have much else to say. It’s a great movie. See it. Actually, so far, this has been a pretty good year for movies. I’ve seen two so far, and they were The LEGO Movie and this. And it’s not like I really avoid bad movies. I actually like seeing bad movies sometimes so that I can review them. I just haven’t found any that were just the right amount of bad yet. We’ll have to see.

Overall, I give the movie an A-. I’m gonna review stuff and rank stuff and do other stuff. Like if you like, favorite if you favorite, follow if you follow, don’t forget to follow me on Twitter @BreakingPOORLY, and as always…

Liek dis if u cry everytim.

Break It Down: Ghostbusters 3 —

Break It Down: Ghostbusters 3

This one goes out to my fallen homeboy, Harold Ramis. I am most certainly the first person to ever say anything of that nature. In this article, I will talk about not only the history of Ghostbusters 3, but also how to save it.

The idea for Ghostbusters 3 first came up in 1999 when Dan Aykroyd and Tom Davis wrote a script called Ghostbusters 3: Hellbent, which would involve Hell having to evict some of its inhabitants to the real world, forcing the Ghostbusters to visit Hell to put them in their place. The movie would have focused mainly on a set of new, younger Ghostbusters, who according to one reviewer were entirely interchangeable and not particularly funny. The prospects of that particular script didn’t last very long, as Aykroyd said in November of that same year, “Ghostbusters 3 isn’t going to happen for the same reason Men in Black 2 isn’t going to happen.” Welp.

Elements of that script were later borrowed for the 2009 Ghostbusters video game, which was apparently very good, but I never played it. So, was that the end of Ghostbusters 3? Well, obviously not. In 2004, Ernie Hudson said in an interview that everyone was game except Bill Murray, and that if they wanted to do it, they’d have to do it soon, because they were getting too old, presumably for this shit. It was reported in a few places in 2005 that Ben Stiller was to play a role in the movie. This was during one of Ben Stiller’s good periods. However, no news on the movie came up after that, until 2009.

In 2009, Ramis said that production on the movie had come to a screeching halt because of a lack of interest (you got that right, sistah). However, Aykroyd was obviously still interested, because he gave away some weirdly specific plot details later that same year. It was only in 2010 that Ghostbusters 3 news started popping up every other week.

It started in January, when Ivan Reitman confirmed he’d be directing the movie. This was the first piece of news that looked promising, as well as the first one to pretty much confirm the film’s eventual release. After that, everything pretty much went to shit. Bill Murray announced on Letterman that March that he would only appear in the film if his character were killed off within the first reel (a reel is about eleven minutes, in case you didn’t know). This was of course followed by Murray telling Coming Soon a month later, “You know what? Maybe I should do it.” That’s about the only answer we’ve gotten out of Bill as of yet. In May 2010, Aykroyd announced that Ghostbusters 3 would be THE must-see movie of Christmas 2012. Yep.

It was announced that November that Gene Stupnitsky and Lee Eisenberg would be writing the film. Stupnitsky and Eisenberg’s previous credits included numerous episodes of The Office (not good ones), Year One, and Bad Teacher. So yeah. Aykroyd did say, however, that it was a really good script, and that he was really excited for the movie. Well yeah, it’s his movie, I mean, am I right, ladies?

A guy named Stefano Paganini who works at Sony said in October of 2010 that the script was approved and the wheels are turning. Then no news concerning the movie sprung up for like, a year. That seems to be a recurring theme; every time the movie looks like it might actually be happening, we stop hearing about it for a long time. However, Aykroyd told Dennis Miller in August of 2011 that the movie was moving forward as planned whether or not Bill Murray wanted any part of it. He said that the movie was about much more than just Murray, while adding that he was undoubtedly the lead and contributed to the film in a massive way. Kind of sending mixed messages there, Danny.

It was reported in 2011 that Bill Murray had received the script, but rumor had it he shredded it. So yeah. However, Aykroyd said it wasn’t true, but from what we’ve seen so far, Aykroyd isn’t exactly an accurate source of info. He said in February 2012 that the film was in suspended animation, and if it were to happen, Bill wouldn’t be in it. But Ramis and Reitman were all like “Come on, man! We don’t have anything else to do with our lives!” And Aykroyd was all like “Ok, fine, but the script’s gotta be just right, or else I’m out.

However, in Spring of 2012, it started to sound like Bill might want to do the movie after all. He told Letterman that they’re trying, but he wants to make sure it’s good before he agrees to do it. That July, Aykroyd confirmed that a rewrite was being developed, and confirmed LITERALLY A WEEK LATER that Etan Cohen would be writing it. Cohen also wrote Idiocracy, Madagascar 2, and Men in Black 3, so everyone was like, “Ay, maybe this’s goin’ somewhere. I dunno.”

And of course, Murray continued to flip-flop on his involvement in the film, as it was announced later in the year that he would not be involved. Reitman announced that September that a Ghostbusters remake might be in the works, as opposed to a third installment. But then in May 2013, Aykroyd was like, “Yeah, it’s happening. Bill doesn’t want to do it, but I left a spot for him just in case. It’s all nice and cozy.” It’s almost as if Bill, Dan, and Ivan aren’t talking about the same movie.

Perhaps the most interesting piece of news came in June 2013, where Rick Moranis gave a rare interview, in which he did discuss Ghostbusters 3. For those of you who don’t know, Moranis gave up showbiz to raise his kids after his wife died of breast cancer. Although, Anne died in ’91, and Moranis didn’t really quit until Honey, We Shrunk Ourselves in 1997, so maybe there was something else going on (Dear god, I hope Rick doesn’t read this). Moranis said that he may return to the role if the script’s actually good, and that he’d like to find out where his character wound up. So yeah, that’s what Rick had to say about it.

Aykroyd said later that, once again, they were rewriting the script and leaving Bill’s seat warm in case he decided to come back. This was getting to be really annoying at that point, Aykroyd saying the same shit over and over and over again and then no actual news about the movie coming out. However, that all changed when Harold Ramis straight-up died this February. Ramis had a writing credit on the movie’s IMDb page, but Sony claimed that Ramis’ involvement in the movie was minimal to begin with (a cameo). With the screenplay needing some serious rewrites, it was said that Reitman would need to have a sit-down with Sony to talk about how to move forward. They’re trying to start shooting in early 2015 now, I’ve heard. So, that’s the story of Ghostbusters 3. Oh, and another thing.

Reitman dropped out. He’s not directing it. This led many people to say, “Well, that’s it, movie’s not gonna happen, everyone pack up your things, this is the end of Ghostbusters 3.” But is it, though? Think about it. What has Ivan Reitman done recently that would make one think he could handle Ghostbusters 3? Let me list off every movie he’s directed since Ghostbusters 2. *clears throat* Kindergaten Cop, Dave, Junior, Father’s Day (so far, Schwarzenegger and Williams vehicles), Six Days Seven Nights (well that came out of left field), Evolution (don’t even ask), Cooking Lessons (unsold pilot), My Super Ex-Girlfriend, and No Strings Attached. I think that out of those 9 movies, the best was Kindergarten Cop. That’s pretty bad.

Maybe this is what the movie needed. If they could find some kind of total nerd who is known for making a really good nerdgasm of a comedy, maybe they could save this movie.

Enter Phil Lord and Chris Miller, the directors of Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs, 21 Jump Street, and most notably, The LEGO Movie. These guys are among my favorite directors. And they’re clearly gigantic nerds. And there’s a good chance Ghostbusters is one of their favorite movies. And rumor has it they’ll be directing Ghostbusters 3. They are the only thing that can save this movie.

I’ll have a buncha reviews ‘n’ shit coming out pretty soon. I may also do a ranking of the Dreamworks movies, but it’ll take a while. Like if you like, favorite if you favorite, follow if you follow, don’t forget to follow me on Twitter @BreakingPOORLY, and as always,

Liek dis if u cry everyitm.

Stank-Ass Ranking: Pixar — March 19, 2014

Stank-Ass Ranking: Pixar

As many of you know, I don’t hold WALL-E in as high a regard as most others. This is for several reasons. There were a few plot holes, and yes I know that plot holes aren’t enough of a  reason to dislike movie, but these really took me out of the movie. I also didn’t find the characters to be endearing or even all that memorable. There are a few other reasons, but I’ll get to those later. Do I think WALL-E is bad? No. It’s very good. I just don’t think it’s the best Pixar movie, and definitely not the best movie of all time. But with the recent announcement of Cars 3 and Incredibles 2, now seems like a good time to tell you guys how I feel about Pixar. So without further adieu, here’s my ranking of every movie released by Pixar. OK, a little further adieu. The titles are accompanied by photos of major cast members looking nonchalant. Alright, here we go.

#12: A BUG’S LIFE

Dave Foley, who voiced Flik and lives in a van down by the river

I am fully aware that some people really like A Bug’s Life, but I’m sorry, I just can’t sit through it. I’d say why it’s bad, but once again, I can’t watch it for more than ten minutes, so I really don’t know. It’s really forgettable, the characters are unlikable, the plot is pretty thin and goes nowhere, and if it’s true that Antz is directly ripped off from A Bug’s Life, then Dreamworks should really start ripping off more movies. This is the only Pixar film that I truly don’t like.

#11: BRAVE

Kelly MacDonald, who looks more like a minor pop star than an actress, for some reason

Now, you’re probably wondering where Cars 2 is. Don’t worry, I’m getting to that. Brave is pretty good. It’s a fairly decent princess movie, not unlike 2010’s Tangled. The problem is that it’s not a Pixar movie. It’s a Disney movie. And that’s a problem that Pixar’s been experiencing a lot the past few years. They’re not making Pixar movies anymore. They’re making Disney movies. Hopefully Inside Out will end this trend. After all, Inside Out looks fucking amazing. And if not that, then perhaps The Good  Dinosaur, which features such talented cast members as Neil Patrick Harris, Bill Hader, Lil Wayne, John Lithgow, WAIT WAIT WAIT back up a second. Yes, you read that correctly. Lil Wayne, the rapper known for having up to three good songs in his 18-year career, will be voicing a somewhat significant character in The Good Dinosaur. Yep. Well, hopefully Inside Out will be good.

#10: CARS

Don’t mind me, just suckin’ on a particularly tiny lollipop.

Let me briefly explain to you why I feel that Cars is worse than Cars 2. Chances are, very few of you have seen the 1991 movie Doc Hollywood. It starred Michael J Fox and revolved around a doctor trying to get to LA and being sidetracked in a small rural town. Now, you may notice that this is pretty much the same plot as Cars. This is because Cars and Doc Hollywood are the EXACT SAME MOVIE. It’s not like they just share the basic plot, almost every single aspect of these movies is the same. A rich and respected guy gets bored of being rich and respected, decides to go to Hollywood to be even more rich and respected, crashes into public property in a small town somewhere along the road to Hollywood, is taken to court and sentenced to community service, thereby forcing him to stay in that small town, slowly warms to the simply country folk that live in the small town, as well as the idea of living in a small town, meets an attractive local girl, they fall in love, finishes his community service, goes off to California having been made a better person by the experience, once in California, finds that he misses the small town, and ultimately decides to return to the small town. THE SAME FUCKING MOVIE. Cars 2 ripped off The Man Who Knew Too Little, but not note for note.

#9: CARS 2

You would not believe how hard it is to find a nonchalant photo of Larry the Cable Guy

I’ve always been a defender of Cars 2. It’s not that I think it’s particularly good. I just don’t think it’s bad. The animation is great, the plot, while VERY high-concept, is actually pretty interesting, and if it weren’t a Pixar movie, I think we would all agree that it was pretty good. For one thing, it remains the only entity that has made me like Larry the Cable Guy, even though he is playing a character playing a character, which is totally ludicrous. But anyway, I can’t honestly say I didn’t like this movie. I thought it was pretty good.

#8: MONSTERS UNIVERSITY

Billy Crystal, looking young enough to be my father

As you may remember, I gave Monsters U a pretty glowing review. And as you may also remember, I gave it an A-. So how did it end up so low on the list? Simple: all other Pixar movies are fantastic. That being said, this movie is really good. The only real problem I have with it is that it’s a bit formulaic.  I expected most of the stuff the movie had to throw at me, and the only part of the movie that truly matched the greatest moments in Pixar’s finest was the camp scene, which was just amazing.

#7: WALL-E

Ben Burtt, symbolically showing his reign over everything you love.

There! See! I don’t hate WALL-E! Please don’t kill me. I didn’t even artificially inflate WALL-E, this is really where I’d put WALL-E on this list. I really do enjoy this movie, just not as much as the ones above it on this list. I’ve heard people say WALL-E is their favorite movie, and while I wholeheartedly disagree, I get it. I get why everyone loves WALL-E so much. I just disagree.

#6: FINDING NEMO

Alex Gould, with his hands pocket-adjacent

Now, let me make myself clear. I love all of these top 6 movies. Every last one of them. I almost love them equally, which made it super hard for me to rank them. So, let’s talk about Finding Nemo. Finding Nemo is fantastic. The story is great, the characters are great, the voice acting is great (special props to Albert Brooks, who managed to have a very respectable career as an actor and comedian despite looking like Albert Brooks, and Barry Humphries, who would go on to reprise his role as Bruce the shark in The Hobbit (it’s the same character, let’s be honest).

#5: RATATOUILLE

‘Sup, girl? I’ve been on “Word Girl” 26 times.

Ratatouille is just impossible not to like. My friend Squidward says it’s just OK, but he still likes it. Errbody likes it. Ratatouille is one of 4 Pixar films that is, for the most part, about people. And rats. But the rats are also about people. If that makes sense. Or if it doesn’t, really. The movie has two storylines, one about a rat who likes actual food instead of eating garbage, and one about a clumsy cook who finds out he’s the rightful owner of the restaurant he works at. There’s no one protagonist, because a lot of the movie follows Remy, and a lot of it follows Linguine, but for the most part, it’s about the relationship between the two of them, and how it affects their lives. The title is particularly interesting because it invokes something that doesn’t really come up until the very end, something Pixar seems to do a lot of (Finding Nemo? Spoilers, man).

#4: MONSTERS, INC.

Man, Bryan Cranston put on some weight.

I’ve probably seen Monsters, Inc. more times in the past two years than any other Pixar film (4). I’m not even 100% sure why, but I seem to watch Monsters, Inc. every chance I get. I think it’s because I feel like I missed something; like there was a whole other subplot that I’d completely ignored the first time. I don’t know how to make that sound like a good thing. But I really love this movie. If you haven’t seen it, please do. I’ll wait.

#3: UP

Ed Asner’s face is permanently locked in this position.

Up is by far the saddest, and funniest, Pixar movie. I don’t think anyone can truly say they didn’t cry at that opening sequence. And truly, it’s not only the funniest Pixar movie, it’s one of the funniest movies of the past ten years. I didn’t even remember it being particularly funny the first time I saw it, but after seeing it on a bunch of lists of the funniest movies of the past ten, twenty, thirty years, I decided to watch it again. And yeah, it’s really fucking funny. Up 2 was kind of confirmed a few years back, but it seems to have been disconfirmed or something, because I haven’t heard anything recently. Hopefully it happens, and hopefully, it’s better than Monsters U.

#2: {tie} TOY STORY, TOY STORY 2, AND TOY STORY 3

For whatever reason, Tom Hanks looks really German in this photo

Alright, honestly, I don’t really love all the Toy Story films equally, and honestly, if I split them up, at least one of them would probably not have surpassed Up. However, that would make three out of the top five Toy Story movies, which just doesn’t feel right. Also, my opinion on the Toy Story movies changes based on my mood. Sometimes, I’ll say the first is the best, sometimes I’ll say the second is the best, sometimes I’ll even say I prefer the third. So, I decided to group them all together. And as a franchise, Toy Story truly belongs at #2 for its groundbreaking animation, great, mostly-original story, and unforgettable characters. They truly are among the all-time greats.

And finally, the greatest Pixar film of all time is…

#1: THE INCREDIBLES

In case you’re wondering, no, Craig T. Nelson isn’t really the founder of Craigslist.

Incredibles is, put simply, incredible. It works on every level, and is about the closest thing to flawless I’ve ever seen in a movie.

Pictured: flawless
Pictured: flawless

Pixar is known for getting celebrity voice actors, and at times, it is a bit grating (Larry the Cable Guy, Tim Allen, John Ratzenberger EVERY DAMN TIME), but for this movie, they wisely chose to use lesser celebrities, like Craig T. Nelson, Holly Hunter, and Jason Lee. The only big name attached to this movie is Samuel L. Jackson, who only serves to make the movie more flawless by being Samuel L. Jackson in a Pixar movie. One of the biggest problems with WALL-E is that it’s not really for kids, and one of the biggest problems with Cars is that it’s not really for adults, but Incredibles maintains the perfect balance of visual humor and action for kids, as well as boring adult stuff like interesting moral dilemmas and complex characters. There are seven negative reviews of this on Rotten Tomatoes, but they are total bullshit. Incredibles is amazing. There’s a reason its 41 Metacritic reviews contain 14 100’s. If you can’t understand that sentence, it means that the movie is really good.

So, that’s my ranking of the Pixar films. Next up: Grand Budapest Hotel review, followed by Bad Words review, followed by Captain America review, followed by Rio 2 review, followed by Muppets Most Wanted review. Like if you like, favorite if you favorite, follow if you follow, don’t forget to follow me on Twitter @BreakingPOORLY, and as always…

Liek dis if u cry everytim.

THANX FOREVER — March 10, 2014

THANX FOREVER

Well, guys, today we hit another huge milestone. 690 views. SIX HUNDRED AND NINETY. 690. 690. SIX HUNDRED AND NINETY. Seiscientos noveinta. Six ninety. Sixty-nine-ty. Six to the nine to the zero. A hip hop, the hippie to the hippie to the hip hip hop you don’t stop the rock it to the bang-bang boogie say “up jump” the boogie to the rhythm of the boogie: the beat. Das almost a hundred. Thank you all. Each and every one of you. Except you, Gary. You know what you did. Other than him, thank all of you. Seriously. I can’t believe how quickly I went from 15 views a month to SIX HUNDRED NINETY pageviews. At this rate, we’re probably going to hit 1000, and from there it’s pretty much smooth sailing. ‘r sumthin’. But seriously, guys. Thanks for everything. Thanks for liking, thanks for favoriting, thanks for sharing, and thanks for enjoying my content. Thank YOU for liking dis cuz u cry everytim.

Review: Mr. Peabody and Sherman is For the Most Part Pretty OK — March 9, 2014

Review: Mr. Peabody and Sherman is For the Most Part Pretty OK

Think of cartoon reboot movies. Which one is the best? Many of you would say Wakko’s Wish, or perhaps Mask of the Phantasm, or The Simpsons Movie, none of which count because the cartoon was still on the air when they came out. Then perhaps one might point to The Rugrats Movie or A Goofy Movie or The Spongebob Squarepants Movie. First of all, Spongebob and Rugrats were still on when the movies came out, and A Goofy Movie isn’t really a cartoon reboot, because Goofy was always more of a side character and never really had enough to him to be rebooted. He’s the exact same character in the movie that he is in the Mickey Mouse shorts from the ’50s. OK, one might say at this point. What about Yogi Bear? Can we agree that Yogi Bear was passable?

Yes, Yogi Bear was passable, and up until recently I would have said it was the best cartoon reboot movie. But Mr. Peabody and Sherman is infinitely better. It’s extremely funny, the deft blend of CG and traditional animation is pretty fantastic, and the celebrity voices are hardly noticeable. In a way, you could say that this movie is the opposite of Shark Tale. Because it took everything that Shark Tale did, and it did it correctly.

In a sense, it’s the ideal Dreamworks movie. All the Dreamworks-y elements are handled pretty well and don’t get in the way of other attributes of the film, like its amazing humor, which kind of makes me feel like I wrote it myself. However, that could be seen as a problem. It feels like it was a Pixar-quality movie, and then Dreamworks had their way with it. And that’s no good.

Speaking of having their way with things, the humor in this movie is sometimes a bit too adult. A lot of unnecessary anus-themed jokes, and I don’t mean anus-related, I mean anus-THEMED. They threw in a Clinton reference, a Spartacus reference, a masturbation reference, and several others that made me uncomfortable with so many kids in the audience.

Also, the movie was pretty predictable. The only thing that really surprised me was when they killed off Peabody, and had to go back in time to get the other version to help them save the day. But then they squandered it by having Peabody not actually dead in the first place. The movie toys with a lot of really interesting concepts like that and then never does anything with them. The history in the movie is fairly accurate. They spin a lot of the unconfirmed stuff in their own original way. For example, there’s no proof Marie Antoinette said “Let them eat cake,” so the movie decided she really liked cake and said it for a totally unrelated reason, and then revolutionaries spun it to have been about the poor. That’s pretty nice.

The main characters are OK. Penny is annoying, Sherman is not annoying, but not not annoying. Ya dig? Sherman is pretty good. Ty Burrell does a good job with the voice. He’s a very likable and pretty interesting character. My favorite character, however, is Penny’s father, played by First Lady the Reverend Dr. Sir Stephen Tyrone Mos Def Colbert, Heavyweight Champion of the World. He usually knows what to say, but he never knows how to say it. If that makes sense. But he’s hilarious.

Overall, I give the movie a B. It’s good, but not great. Don’t forget to follow me on Twitter @BreakingPOORLY. Like if you like, favorite if you favorite, reblog if you reblog, follow if you follow, and as always…

Liek dis if u cry everyitm.

Stank-Ass Ranking: Eminem Albums — March 6, 2014

Stank-Ass Ranking: Eminem Albums

At the moment, Eminem is my favorite artist. Sure, he’s had a lot of highs and lows through the years, but the highs are so high that I can excuse the lows (for the most part). Today, I’ll be ranking the Eminem albums in order of worst to best. First off, I will not be counting any D12 albums, nor will I be counting 8 Mile, because I have not heard the whole album and quite frankly, I’m not interested. Alright. Here we go. As per usual, each album is accompanied by the first Google Images result for their names. Let’s start with the worst.

#11: THE RE-UP

A different, not quite as terrible album of the same name by another artist who disappointed everyone.

Yeah, remember this one? Didn’t think so. Unlike the other albums on this list, not one of the songs on this album works. It’s just one piece of shit after the other. I didn’t even have it in me to listen to this whole album for the purposes of giving it an honest review. Every song just makes you think “Holy shit, how did such talented people come up with this shit?” The answer, of course, is drugs. Lots and lots of ’em.

#10: ENCORE

Hold on… when you search for the word “encore,” the first result is the Eminem album? What the fart?

Mai gawd. Fuck this album. Fuck every last song on this album. Even “Like Toy Soldiers.” Fuck every last person involved with this garbage. Once again, I want to point out that this album is only the second-worst album in Eminem’s repertoire. This is the same guy who made The Eminem Show A YEAR BEFORE THIS CAME OUT. ONE. YEAR.

#9: RELAPSE/RELAPSE 1.5

Featuring such classics as “Coupler, a matchmaker.”

Even Eminem admits that Relapse was bad. And while not every song on the album was terrible, there’s no excuse for such crimes against humanity as “Crack a Bottle,” “Beautiful,” “We Made You,” and “Must Be the Ganja.” And while there are a few other OK songs on the album, the only one that I can really praise is “Forever.” Cause that was pretty epic.

#8: CURTAIN CALL: THE HITS

I’m gonna be honest: This wasn’t the first result. I just don’t want to make it lame by having every first result be the actual album cover.

That’s right. Eminem’s greatest hits album is one of his worst. There are a few minor reasons for this. The album includes songs like “Mockingbird” and “Just Lose It,” both of which are pretty bad, despite the claim that it is, once again, a greatest hits album. But really, I put this album so low on the list for one reason and one reason alone: “Fack.” “Fack” is not only the worst song Eminem has ever released; it’s one of the worst songs ever. Period. Exclamation point. Asterisk. Don’t listen to the song. I don’t want you to listen to the song. If you want, you can look at the lyrics. But you shouldn’t have to endure the pain of listening to the actual song. Also, no matter how terrible you think it is when reading the lyrics, it’s actually worse. But it gets even worse. Let’s say you’re someone in 2005 who wants to get into Eminem’s music. Then, you find out that he released a new greatest hits album. So, you decide to buy the album. And then, upon listening to the album, before “Lose Yourself,” before “My Name Is,” before “Without Me,” the VERY FIRST SONG ON THE ALBUM is “Fack.” As Dolan Duck might say, “Emenim pls.”

#7: INFINITE

My favorite’s the one on the far right. He’s facing the wrong way cuz he’s a rebel.

This was kind of like the Eminem experiment. He had yet to meet Dr. Dre, all the songs were produced by Mr. Porter, Eminem was signed to the Bass Brothers at the time, who would later record a George Clinton album in 2008 and HOLY SHIT GEORGE CLINTON RELEASED AN ALBUM IN 2008. Everything about this album is almost Eminem, but as expected, it’s not quite the same. The most common comment Marshall claims to get about the album is that it sounds like AZ. I’ve never heard anything from AZ, and I’m too lazy to check it out. But yeah, this album’s not very good. It’s excusable, though.

#6: RECOVERY

Crap, we’re going the wrong way

Recovery was good. I guess. Yeah, it’s been said before, but this time it’s different, because I’m saying it. Recovery’s mood was off. Eminem isn’t supposed to be inspirational or lovelorn or anything like that. Eminem is supposed to be bouncing off the fucking wall. That’s not to say there aren’t a lot of good songs on this album. “No Love” is one of my top 20 favorites of his, and “Won’t Back Down” plays like a sort of proto-“Survival,” a song that gets better and better every time I hear it. So yeah, Recovery is alright.

#5: THE SLIM SHADY LP

That “Slim Shady” was written by none other than 50 Cent

This is the album that put Eminem on the map. So naturally, it had to be pretty good. And while there are a few things that don’t really work and the album’s a bit rough around the edges, it’s still a very fun, very energetic, and very special episode of Family Matters. Plus, according to Wikipedia, the Ken Kaniff skit was written by none other than Aristotle himself! Seriously!

Would Aristotle lie to you?
Would Aristotle lie to you?

#4: HELL: THE SEQUEL

It’s almost maddening to look at the Google Images results for this title.

Yes, Hell 2 beats out Slim Shady LP. The main reason I put 2Hell2Furious so high on the list is because… it’s really fucking good.

#3: THE MARSHALL MATHERS LP

You can tell this one’s more mature because he uses his real name: Explicit Bruce Content III

Alright, I’m going to be the first to admit it: This album is flawed. Not everything about this album is perfect. I dare say not everything on this album is great. In fact, I would argue that a few things on the album aren’t even good. The skits are rap album skits at their skittish-est. “Kim” is… not very good. It’s flawed. FLAWED.

#2: THE MARSHALL MATHERS LP 2

Oh, that’s interesting. A condemnation notice. Let me just read it for a secWHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA?

MMLP2 is one of the few album sequels that’s actually, well, a sequel. The Blueprint 2 had about as much to do with the first one as the first one had to do with The Dynasty, and the sequence of the Tha Carter albums is just to make you think Lil Wayne is actually saying something. But this song is clearly a direct follow-up to the original Marshall Mathers LP. And they make that clear right away with the first track, “Bad Guy,” a direct follow-up to “Stan,” which is then followed by a skit that follows up on “Criminal.” There is not a single bad song on the album. While it’s nothing like any other song on the album, even “Stronger Than I Was” wasn’t bad, especially once you realize that it’s from Kim’s perspective. Also, now that I’ve had several months to let the album gel in my mind, I can say with little doubt that my favorite songs on the album are “Love Game,” “Bad Guy,” and “Rap God.” And “Evil Twin.” Once again, there really aren’t any bad songs on the album.

And the #1 Eminem album of all time is…

#1: THE EMINEM SHOW

It’s the Eminem Show, with your host, Conan O’Brien!

I said earlier that there’s a certain emotion Eminem should ideally convey in most of his songs, that emotion being insane anger and attitude. And never is that more prominent than on this most fantastic of albums, wherein Eminem makes the message clear that he’s here, he’s vaguely homophobic, get used to it. Hell, even the skits on this album aren’t that bad. Everything about the album works, and every aspect of the album has grown to define Eminem as a person and as an artist. Also, and this is just personal opinion, but “Without Me” is probably my favorite Slim Shady song.

So, that’s my opinion, and I’m sticking to it, unless someone can convince me otherwise, because I’m pretty flexible on this. Like if you like, favorite if you favorite, follow if you follow, don’t forget to follow me on Twitter @BreakingPOORLY, and as always…

Liek dis if u cry eveyrtim.