There are a lot of reboots, remakes, and sequels these days. About half of them suck. The other half, on the other hand, are pretty good. As you can see, I’m pretty indifferent about this sort of thing. I was born in the late ’90s, and I’ve never really known a time when this wasn’t the norm. But this is getting ridiculous. Here are the worst of the upcoming remakes.

#5: SPACE JAM 2

Dick Ebersol’s kids, who have their own Saturday morning cartoon wherein they solve mysteries, decided for whatever reason that there was enough demand for a sequel to Space Jam to warrant its creation. Seriously? Is Dan O’Brien working for Warner Brothers now? Way back when I reviewed The LEGO Movie last week, I mentioned that I had some degree of faith in Warner Animation Group. All that faith has deteriorated with the news of this unnecessary, unwanted, and unfathomable sequel, as well as the fact that LEGO Movie 2 is being written by Jared Stern.

#4: PAUL BLART: MALL COP 2

Hey, remember Paul Blart: Mall Cop? Wasn’t that funny? No? Well, too bad. Seriously, why the fuck would someone make a sequel to Mall Cop? It wasn’t even that successful. In terms of all-time domestic gross, it ranks snugly in between X-Men First Class and True Lies. That may seem pretty good, but it puts the movie at #266 with a domestic gross of less than $150 million. One could argue that that’s actually still really good, because its budget was only $26 million. Shut up. Worst of all, the movie doesn’t even have the same director. They got someone even worse. They replaced Steve Carr, director of Daddy Day Care and all those terrible sequels to decent comedies with predominantly African-American casts (Are We Done Yet, Next Friday, Dr. Dolittle 2, it’s actually kind of weird how many of his movies are like that), with Andy Fickman, director of Race to With Mountain, The Game Plan, She’s the Man, and every episode of the godawful new Disney Channel show Liv and Maddie. Now, I’m not saying Andy Fickman’s movies are worse than those of Steve Carr, I’m just saying he’s a worse director.

#3: JINGLE ALL THE WAY 2

No, seriously. The movie that has only managed to stay in our memories because of the line “Put that cookie down” is getting a sequel. And guess who’s starring in it? Not Phil Hartman, because he died. Not the kid, because why would the kid be in it? Not even Arnold, who even at this point is far too dignified to appear in a direct-to-DVD sequel to Jingle All the Fucking Way. Guess who is starring in it? Larry the Cable Guy. The guy that only Pixar could make even remotely likable is starring in a direct-to-DVD sequel to the movie the Nostalgia Critic affectionately called “a holly jolly dose of bullshit.” The director is a man known as Alex Zamm, and let me read you every single other movie he’s directed: Chairman of the Board, My Date With the President’s Daughter, The Pooch and the Pauper, Inspector Gadget 2, Snow, RL Stine’s the Haunting Hour, Dr. Dolittle 5, Woodie’s Kitchen, Beverly Hills Chihuahua 2, Tooth Fairy 2, and an upcoming Little Rascals reboot. THAT’S IT. He also holds the honor of having directed one episode of Dog with a Blog. WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY? WHY?

#2: GHOSTBUSTERS 3

Ok, this one you all knew about, and some of you may be questioning my putting it on this list. This movie is depressing simply because they keep trying to make it despite NOT BEING ABLE TO MAKE IT and NO ONE WANTING THEM TO MAKE IT. Sure, it would be nice to see the old gang back together, and especially nice to see Rick Moranis because WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU, RICK? But it’s just not in the cards. We hear a new piece of news about this movie about every two weeks and it rarely involves the film advancing. The movie has five writers: Dan Aykroyd, who as far as I can tell, has had no part in the writing of this movie and just gets a credit because he came up with the characters, Etan Cohen, whose previous credits include three “meh”s and a “fuck yeah,” Lee Eisenberg and Gene Stupnitsky, the writing team behind Bad Teacher and Year One, and finally Harold Ramis, who is dead. Seriously, guys, why do you even try?

#1: IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE 2

I’ll just let that sink in for a minute. A full 68 years after the original It’s A Wonderful Life, two companies with little to no experience decided on a whim that there was potential for a sequel. The movie will follow Jimmy Stewart’s granddaughter, and the actress who played Zuzu will be appearing, because she is the only living member of the original cast. You’ll note that I’m withholding my rage, because I feel that all I need to do to make you feel my pain is simply state the facts. The movie is a joint venture between Hummingbird Productions and Star Partners. Hummingbird specializes in commercial jingles, while Star Partners is a group started by Allen Schwalb that most notably funded A Fish Called Wanda and Poltergeist 3. To reiterate, their 2nd-most notable movie is Poltergeist 3. The script has been written (yes, it’s already been written) by Bob Farnsworth, whose most notable IMDb credit is Deliverance, for which he was a grip best boy… uncredited. He was an uncredited best boy on Deliverance, as well as Martha Bolton, who seems to be most notable for her unhealthy obsession with Bob Hope.

What are Yellow Ribbon Party and Super Bowl Party about? The answer may surprise you.
What are Yellow Ribbon Party and Super Bowl Party about? The answer may surprise you.

Oh, I forgot to mention, there are actually two other guys from the first movie that are alive. And guess what? There’s a good chance they’ll be appearing in the sequel. People involved in the film seem pretty adamant about the fact that it retains the spirit/feeling of the original. Alright, now that I’ve stated the facts, I can let my anger out. HOLY SHIT. Who thought this was a good idea? Where is Schwalb getting the money to fund this project in its entirety? Where did Schwalb get the money to fund the Superman sequels, or Rocky V, or The Color Purple? HOW DO PEOPLE LIKE THIS GET MOVIES MADE?! This is like if the guy who produced Mortal Kombat just suddenly decided he wanted to make a Toy Story rip-off, and then actually got it made. Wouldn’t that be a hoot and a half?

Preposterous!

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