Pitbull has been specializing in bad music since his 2009 breakthrough hit “I Know You Want Me.” That’s right, Pitbull’s been in the business for less than five years. Feels like an eternity, doesn’t it? Of course, that’s a bit of an exaggeration. Pitbull had some minor hits as early as 2004. Either way, you hadn’t heard about him until 2009, unless you wax nostalgic for “Culo” featuring Lil Jon.

Since then, Pitbull has had a string of hits, including “Drop it to the Floor,” “Give Me Everything,” “Rain Over Me,” “International Love,” “Back In Time,” “Don’t Stop the Party,” “Feel This Moment,” “Timber,” and… that’s it. That’s every hit he’s had. Once again, it feels like there’s more. In fact, if you don’t count his guest verse on J. Lo’s “On the Floor,” “Timber” is by far his most popular single to date. Now, I don’t want to say “Timber” is the worst song in Pitbull’s terrible, terrible career, but it is. It’s the worst song of his career.

Pitbull is usually pretty harmless, which makes it pretty easy to ignore him, but this song is impossible to ignore. The very thought of Pitbull and Ke$ha coming together for anything other than a SeltzerBerg movie (I’ll get to those guys later) is something only the hive mind of Dr. Luke, Cirkut, and Sermstyle could come up with (seriously, I think these guys might all be the same person in different wigs). And while this might not be the worst song in Ke$ha’s career (“Blah Blah Blah”), that’s not exactly saying much. Looking at the lyrics for this song doesn’t seem like enough. So let’s look at the Rap Genius annotations of the lyrics as well!

We begin with the first line, “It’s going down, I’m yelling timber,” and, I shit you not, there is an actual ARGUMENT about whether these lyrics are about a dick, a party, a party and a dick, a dick party…

…or Ke$ha’s childhood, not to mention one comment that simply reads, “Look out below!” Thanks, savanna132. That was vital information.

You might be saying, “Maybe it’s a double entendre.” If so, you are clearly overestimating the writing skills of the ELEVEN PEOPLE WHO WROTE THIS SONG. That’s right, this piece of shit was written by eleven people, including Ke$ha, Pitbull, Dr. Luke, Priscilla Renea (“California King Bed,” “My Last”), Sermstyle, Cirkut, Ke$ha’s mom, and the drummer from Sly and the Family Stone. I didn’t make any of those up.

Getting back to my point, the notion that this could be a double entendre is shattered by the next line, “You better move, you better dance.” The annotator indicates that this is a double entendre about a falling tree vs. a party, two things that have absolutely nothing in common aside from that “going down” thing. He argues that the first part, “You better move,” is about a tree falling, while the second part, “you better dance,” twists it to be about a party. Which would be all well and good, if it weren’t for the rest of the chorus:

“Let’s make a night you won’t remember; I’ll be the one you won’t forget.” Unless this is referring to the amnesia one could possibly get when being hit by a falling tree, which I highly doubt, considering the vapidity of these lyrics, this line clearly proves that what the fine folks at Rap Genius thought might possibly be a double entendre is actually just a pointless chorus about a party, and the “timber” line is worthless except to create a catchy title.

Also, you may not have noticed, but Ke$ha just rhymed “dance” with “forget.” Really, guys? You couldn’t think of a line that ended in “chance,” or “glance,” or “pants,” or even “plans?” Nothing? I mean, Macklemore stretches his rhymes quite a bit, but at least he tries to make it sound like they rhyme. This is just another example of how little effort was put into this song.

Alright, I’m going to print out the first two lines Pitbull has in this song, followed by the Rap Genius annotation, and you tell me which one makes less sense.

“The bigger they are, the harder they fall

The biggity boy’s a diggity dog”

“The bigger the trees are, says Pitbull, the harder they fall, and he’s calling himself a diggity dog yo. Which probably means he’s getting down in a major way, like a dawg.”

What the fuck? We’ve already proven beyond a reasonable doubt that this song isn’t actually about a tree, unless this is one of those Pitbull songs where they only use a metaphor when it’s convenient. The worst part is, it’s really inconvenient at this point, because he’s forced to fill the next line with even utter-er nonsense, i.e. the biggity boy’s a diggity dog. The guy explaining this is clearly desperately trying to find any semblance of meaning in this garbage. This sounds like a party song someone would make up for a throwaway scene in a movie, when they didn’t want to pay for the rights to a real song for this one inconsequential scene so they just slapped something together.

Speaking of slapping things together, the next part of the verse is about twerking. He starts by saying that he has some women he never mentioned before, never mentions again, and never has any sort of backstory for who they are and how he met them, twerking in their underwear. Where? Are they doing it for him? As foreplay? As a dance? Explain, Pitbull, explain! In the meantime, he also manages to rhyme “off” with “thongs,” “up” with “what,” and “timber” with “timber” with “timber” with “timber.” There’s not even any reason for him to be saying timber. Nothing resembling a falling tree is brought up or even implied by these lines. He’s just saying it because… it’s the name of the song.

This is followed by the bridge, in which Pit rhymes “round” with “down” FOUR TIMES OVER. And mind you, he’s not saying the same two lines over and over again, he is saying different things. They just all end with the same line OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN. In this bridge, Pitbull basically reminds everyone that this is a song you should be dancing to at a club, and not playing on the organ at a funeral.

After another chorus comes verse two, which starts up with one of the most disappointing annotations I’ve ever seen on Rap Genius. The line is “Look up in the sky, it’s a bird, it’s a plane,” which seems like a straightforward, nonsensical Pitbull lyric. However, the annotation begins with “A reference to not one, not two, but three things…” Oh, this looks promising. Is there some sort of triple entendre here I was missing? Here’s the rest of the annotation:

“1. What bystanders would say when they saw Superman flying about

2. A line from the hook of “How High” by Method Man and Redman

3. A line from a previous Pitbull verse

Oh, it’s not a reference to three things. It’s a reference to one thing that’s weirdly overused in the rap game. So Pitbull didn’t have any lyrical integrity after all! Silly me!

The rest is just another generic Pitbull verse about being a rich, alcoholic party animal and being very #blessed. He also mentions that tree thing one more time, just to really sell the illusion that there’s anything of substance in this song. As usual, the annotations make even less sense than the actual lyrics, and everything about this song is AWFUL.

Remember how Ke$ha said she was going to stop relying on vocal enhancements and electronica in her music? Wasn’t that funny?

I can’t think of anything that would make this song worse. If they made the exact same song, but they replaced all the lyrics with n-words and fart noises, that would be an improvement. This song has absolutely no redeeming qualities, and hopefully now you can see why it made number one on last year’s worst list. I really hoped this song would be gone by the end of January, but I guess the American public is into this shit.

Don’t forget to follow me on Twitter @BreakingPOORLY. I’ll have a LEGO Movie review out on February 9th. I don’t know what I’ll do after that, but trust me, it’ll tickle your insides. Tell me in the comments what you think I should review next, be it a movie, TV show, song, or album. And as always…

Like dis if u cry everytim.

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