I’m not a huge fan of Lorde. This is for a few reasons. First of all, all of her songs are about the same thing: she’s poor; she doesn’t care; all songs are about people being rich; she’s not particularly fond of that, but in a sort of nonchalant way where she “doesn’t care” and she’s “kinda over it.” Also, she’s not particularly poor. Her mother is a world-renowned poet, and she’s been signed to Universal since she was 13. Also, she’s only 17. She probably still lives with her parents. And if not, it’s not like she’s in some broken-down apartment in New York trying to hit the big time. She lives in New Zealand. In New Zealand, you can get a 90,000 (you heard me) square foot beachfront manor for less than a million bucks. Her voice is kind of annoying, too. And from what I can tell from the two songs of hers I’ve heard, she just kinda got lucky with “Royals.”

Yes, I am of course talking about “Team,” her less successful follow-up to “Royals.” Look, I like “Royals.” Everyone does. But everything about this song pisses me off. The beat is totally half-assed; it’s just “Girl on Fire” with some 80s synth added in for show. The song was co-produced and -written by Joel Little and Lorde herself, so they were clearly at least trying somewhat with the beat and lyrics. I guess they’re just not all that talented.

This brings me back to my original point: Why are all of Lorde’s songs about this? Most people are cool with it now, but two or three songs from now, people are going to start to get annoyed. Just watch. It’ll happen. Also going back to an earlier point, I don’t like Lorde’s voice on this song. On “Royals,” it was passable, but on “Team,” it gets pretty grating. It’s almost like they took everything I don’t like about “Royals” and amplified it, while simultaneously getting rid of all the good stuff.

Which brings me to my biggest point: This song is INSANELY BORING. The beat reminds me of “Demons” by Imagine Dragons in that it sounds more like a lullaby than a pop/rock song. Lorde puts no emotion into her vocals, and quite frankly, even the lyrics are pretty boring. In fact, let’s take a look at some of those lyrics:

The intro is a session of make-believe that involves her being a queen who will send in the hounds if you cross her. It ends with her saying the line “Send the call out” sixteen times. Later on in the same song, she chastises pop for using the same lyrics over and over again (“I’m kinda over getting old to put my hands up in the air, so there”). A bit hypocritical, dontcha think, Lorde?

But let’s keep talking about the “so there” line. Who are you, Taylor Swift? You’re supposed to tell a story when you sing, not have a casual conversation with the audience. In fact, most of this song sounds like someone relating a dream they had to a friend, while interspersing it with random lines about being a hipster dreamgirl.

The verses appear to be about teenagers having a fancy party. They’re wearing jewelry, they have braces and zits, they’re forgetting their troubles and dancing the night away, they’re coming up with excuses for the broken glass on the floor. But then the chorus, for some reason, is about her and her friends being poor again. Who are these friends of yours? Why don’t they ever get to tell their story? The second line of the chorus is “Not very pretty but we sure know how to run things.” Here is the city Lorde is describing as “not very pretty.”

Holy shit that’s the prettiest body of water I’ve ever seen

The mayor of that city, Auckland, is Len Brown, and he is currently under fire for an extramarital affair. NZ as a nation is a major consumer of amphetamines, and has an 18% unemployment rate. Since Auckland is far and away the largest and most populous city in New Zealand, it’s safe to assume that Auckland is very pretty, but they do not know how to run things.

In the bridge, she goes on another tangent, this time to talk once again about how popular music is dull and repetitive and all about rich people. In the second bridge, she also talks about how she has matured since she was thirteen. Um, yeah. Once again, everything about this song is utterly pointless and dull. It really annoys me. And then there’s the outro, which goes:

We’re on each other’s team

And you know

We’re on each other’s team

We’re on each other’s team

And you know and you know and you know

Wow. That is the most vapid outro I’ve heard in a long time. Nothing of value whatsoever. It didn’t need to be there for any reason at all. They could have just let the beat die away after the last chorus without singing anything else. But nope. She had to make sure that everyone knew that they are on each other’s team. And that they already know that. You know, in case you were unaware of the fact that you already knew that. God, I hate this song.

Overall, I give this song a D. Do you want me to do more song reviews? Leave me a comment down below telling me what you think. I’m probably not going to have another movie review up for a few weeks. I’ll post some other stuff to keep you satisfied. Follow me on Twitter @BreakingPOORLY, and until next time…

End transmission.

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