Okay, I want to make something very clear: I DID NOT LIKE SMURFS 2. I hated it. It was godawful. All I said was that it was the lesser of two evils compared to the first one. And while it did not make my bottom 5 this year, I can assure you that it is right at #6. So, with that out of the way, here’s my list of the bottom 5 movies of 2013, accompanied by photos of the lead actors cooking.

#5: GROWN UPS 2

Adam Sandler in the (terrible) movie Spanglish

Grown Ups 2 is terrible. It’s rarely funny, has no plot, and is just what we’ve come to expect from the folks over at Happy Madison. That being said, it was a huge step up from what we’ve seen in the past. That’s My Boy was utter garbage, and Jack and Jill is one of the worst movies ever made. So, all things considered, this movie wasn’t as bad as it could have been, which is why I put it at #5.

#4: OBLIVION

Tom Cruise struggling to emote on Jimmy Kimmel Live

Some people liked this movie. I was not one of those people. It was confusing, boring, and the animation made the whole thing look like a cut scene from a video game. As you can see in my review (it was the first movie I ever reviewed on this site), I found myself thinking about trivial things like the fact that Tom Cruise and Morgan Freeman’s noses are opposites. Worst of all, in the end it turned out to be a complete ripoff of 2009’s Moon, starring one of our greatest living actors, Sam Rockwell. Fuck this movie.

#3: A HAUNTED HOUSE

There are no pictures on the Internet of Marlon Wayans cooking.

The Wayans family has released 16 movies over a 16-year career (you heard me) and exactly 3 of them have been watchable (Scary Movie, I’m Gonna Git You Sucka, Don’t Be a Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood). Why are they still around, then? Have they still not given up on this whole “being funny” thing? They released two films this year and they were both major flops. And while I didn’t see Scary MoVie, I did have the displeasure of seeing this one. It was godawful.

#2: FREE BIRDS

Owen Wilson in the (terrible) movie You, Me, and Dupree

Free Birds is the Heath Ledger of terrible kids movies. It encapsulated everything that makes kids movies bad, and yet still manages to be original. I’ve already reviewed this movie, so let me just say, it’s absolute shit.

And yet somehow, it’s not the worst movie of the year. No, there is one movie, one abominable piece of shit that is even worse. But who would come forth with the idea of making this terrible movie, and somehow tricking night time moviegoers into seeing it? Who could bring such a Mid Night Sham… along?

#1: AFTER EARTH

Will Smith cooking in one movie or another. It’s probably pretty OK.

After Earth was a new level of terrible. In my personal opinion, it was worse than The Last Airbender. It feels like the movie is all exposition, and yet there’s absolutely nothing going on. Everything about this movie is unbelievably bad. It has to be one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen.

So this concludes my bottom 5 movies of the year. Still not sure if I’ll be reviewing something this week. If not, see you in January. And as always…

End transmission.

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