This was kind of a weird year for pop music. A lot of good stuff, and nothing terrible, but a lot of the stuff on the lower end of the spectrum was just BORING. Really, really boring. Which is why today, I’m counting down my picks for the top 5 songs that made the Billboard Top 10.

#5: SUIT AND TIE by Justin Timberlake feat. Jay-Z

Sorry, can’t hear you over all this swag

“Suit and Tie” is cool. There’s no question about it. It’s really cool. So cool, in fact, that it pulled off this line: “Ooh, burned myself, I just had to touch it,” which is basically like licking your finger and making a sizzling sound. It’s suave, it’s sophisticated, and it’s just awesome. Unlike that other JT/JZ collab this year that shall remain nameless. Unless I bring it up later. It’s “Holy Grail.”

#4: BERZERK by Eminem

Named, of course, after the Atari game

This song is loud, fast, and insane. It’s the musical equivalent of your mom (Ooh, burned myself, I just had to touch it). Eminem is back and as good as he ever was with this single, which sounds more like the Beastie Boys than the Beastie Boys’ last album.

#3: THRIFT SHOP by Macklemore and Ryan Lewis feat. Wanz

Honey, roll up the windows

The obvious breakout (I hope Atari pays me for this) star of the year in music is Macklemore, who up until this year was unknown outside of his hometown of Seattle. Some of you may say that Lorde is the breakout star of the year in music. NO. FUCK LORDE.

#2: RAP GOD by Eminem

In other news, the rapper Eminem exposed his genitals in public last night…

This song got mixed reviews, but I have no idea why. Sure, some of the jokes are outdated, but what most people don’t know about the Fabolous vs. Ray J feud is that it happened in 2011, and therefore this was Eminem’s first opportunity to make fun of it. Also, this song was freestyled, and that’s just amazing

#1: GET LUCKY by Daft Punk feat. Pharrell Williams

Who’s the fourth guy? WE WANT ANSWERS, OBAMA

Yes, I know this was on top of everyone’s list, but it kinda deserves it. It’s among the tightest shit I’ve heard all year. And that may be all you need to know.

Now, let’s move on to the top 5 worst top 10 songs of the year:

#5: SCREAM AND SHOUT by will.i.am feat. Britney Spears

Parental Advisory? For what? Being terrible? (Ooh, burned myself, I just had to touch it)

You’re probably wondering why this song is all the way at #5. To be honest, it’s because it came out last year and just kind of hung around. But it’s really bad. In case you didn’t know.

#4: STARTED FROM THE BOTTOM by Drake

Now we’re crowding around to stare at a billboard

WHY IS THIS SONG SO POPULAR? IT SUCKS! SUCKS SUCKS SUCKS! It’s boring, he sounds like he’s asleep, and not only did he NOT “start from the bottom,” he also doesn’t even describe the “bottom” he started from. The closest he comes is saying he had to drive in traffic and argue with his mother at least once a month. And yet, here it is on everyone’s year-end list, including the Associated Press, who put it at NUMBER ONE. Goddammit, Associated Press.

#3: LOVE ME by Lil Wayne feat. Drake and Future

 

Wait, could you go over that one more time?

I kinda like Lil Wayne. I really do. I loved “No Love,” and I loved “Six Foot Seven Foot.” But sometimes, Weezy F Baby and the F is for “Fucking awful.” This is a perfect example of that. Everything about this song is just perverse. Like the line that goes, “Baby, just make me cum, then don’t make a sound.” Which is basically saying “Shut up and have sex with me, slave!” The slave part is implied.

#2: WE CAN’T STOP by Miley Cyrus

#2muchswag

What the fuck, Miley? I mean, I know you’ll smoke anything you can get your hands on, but seriously? This would actually work as an anti-drug PSA about what weed, salvia, and possibly cocaine do to you. This song is boring, sad, and just… terrible. It has no redeeming qualities. Now, you may be saying, “If it has no redeeming qualities, what could possibly be worse?” Well…

#1: TIMBER by Pitbull feat. Ke$ha

God dammit, Dr. Luke, you sly bastard.

It doesn’t get much worse than this. This song is so bad, so unenjoyable, so ear-bleedingly terrible, that I’m beginning to think it’s the worst song possible. How could a song be worse than this. Oh, there have been some terrible songs in the past, especially from these two, but they all pale in comparison to this monstrosity. Whose idea was this, anyway? Dr. Luke? I think it was Dr. Luke. Fuck you, Dr. Luke.

So, that concludes my list of the best and worst Top 10 charting songs of 2013. Don’t agree with the list? Leave a comment below telling me what you think are the best and worst. Don’t forget to follow me on Twitter @BreakingPOORLY. Up next is the big Anchorman 2 review, my final review of the year. Until then…

End transmission.

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