Okay, so let’s talk about Monsters University. In the end, Hartscrabble is forced to expel Mike and Sulley, so they go to work in the mailroom at Monsters, Incorporated, eventually rising up the food chain and becoming the most accomplished scarers of all time, narrowly beating out their college frenemy Randall.

Let’s start with the question of how long it took for them to become scarers. Since they were there long enough to become good friends with the Abominable Snowman, let’s assume that they left the mailroom right around when Snowy was banished. They worked about three or four other jobs before they became scarers. Let’s say that they worked a total of 5-8 years before finally becoming scarers. Now, how long did it take Randall to become a scarer?

It seems safe to assume that Randall completed scaring school, which would have taken him at least four years, possibly more. So, assuming he got the scaring job right out of college, that means it was 3-5 years after Mike and Sulley were expelled, let’s say. This would imply that Randall was a scarer for 0-3 years before Mike and Sulley became scarers. It occurs to me now that only Sulley became a scarer, while Mike was still a can jockey for most of Monsters Inc. This makes matters even worse.

At the end of Monsters Inc, when it’s revealed that Roz was working for the government maintaining a close eye on Mike and Sulley for reasons everyone was confused about until this year, Roz says she’s been surveying them for two and a half years. This would imply that Mike broke the all-time scare record in two and a half years, which is insane because plenty of scarers completed MU and worked as scarers their entire lives. But Mike wasn’t the only one who broke the record. He had a sort of Gates-Buffet dynamic throughout the movie with none other than Randall Boggs.

So basically, we were rooting for the wrong person the whole time. While Sulley might have been a better scarer than Randall, Randall actually, you know, finished school and listened to his supervisor and didn’t destroy countless items of value that would cause him to get expelled despite filling up an entire room’s worth of scream containers. Now, you might think, “We didn’t root for Sulley because he was better at scaring than Randall, we rooted for him because he was trying to save a two-year-old’s life.” Yeah, but Randall wasn’t trying to kill Boo. He was trying to take her out of the hands of two clearly irresponsible people who threatened her life on numerous occasions. If Randall got a hold of Boo, he would probably have given her to the proper authorities, who would have then escorted her back to her house, and maybe erased her memory or some shit, because monsters have free unlimited energy and portals to another planet or universe.

In a nutshell, Randall is the misunderstood hero of the Monsters franchise. See you next time for another exciting installment of…

LATE NIGHT FAN THEORIES!!!!!

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