Let’s talk about Sylvester Stallone. More specifically, is film career. Stallone’s first role was in a 1970 movie called Party at Kitty and Stud’s, also known as Italian Stallion. It was, by all accounts, terrible. In fact, Stallone did a lot of terrible movies in that era, and didn’t break into the mainstream and subject them to his terrible movies until his appearance in the 1976 classic, Rocky. From there, Stallone became one of the biggest action stars in the world, or at least, for a few years. Yes, his title was challenged, just as his character, Rocky Balboa’s was so many times, by a young upstart by the name of Arnold Schwarzenegger, who first caught the public’s attention with Conan the Barbarian, cemented his role as an action movie icon in The Terminator, and starred in one of the greatest science fiction movies, and one of the greatest action movies, of all time, Terminator 2. Also, he did all of that in nine years.

However, by the time T2 came out, there was another action star around who was quickly rising to the levels of both Stallone and Schwarzenegger: Bruce Willis. Now, at this point, Willis had already been around for about 4 years, having played the iconic role of John McClane in what could be the greatest action movie ever made, Die Hard. Of course, at the time T2 came out, Willis was doing comedies like Loaded Weapon 1, The Player, and Death Becomes Her, but it was clear: a movie with the three of them would be the tightest shit. And action fans finally got that wish with the 2010 hit, The Expendables.

One problem, though: everyone else was in it. And I do mean everyone. Jason Statham, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, and Terry Crews just to name a few. And while Terry Crews is one of the best people in Hollywood, it felt like it was kind of pulling away from the awesomeness of having Willis, Stallone, and Schwarzenegger in one movie. And things only got worse in the second one, which was released in 2012 and featured the entire cast of the original, plus internet memes Chuck Norris and Jean-Claude Van Damme. So, it looked like what we needed now was a movie that had just Willis, Stallone, and Schwarzenegger and no one else. And we got most of that wish with the new movie, Escape Plan, starring Stallone and Schwarzenegger as two people who are paid to break out of maximum-security prisons breaking out of a maximum-security prison. Basically.

While this may sound like a pretty simple plot, it’s some of the most confusing shit I’ve seen all year. While it’s not quite as frustrating as Oblivion, it was still… pretty frustrating. I seriously don’t understand this movie. Someone see it and explain it to me. However, I did like some parts of it. The action was good, the characters were somewhat likable, and it had a few good twists. Most of the problems stem from the fact that three of the major characters are Stallone, Schwarzenegger, and 50 Cent, none of whom are known for their eloquence.

So overall, I give this movie a C+. I know that was a short review, but there’s… not really much to say. It was just… alright. Decent. OK.

Don’t forget to follow me on Twitter @BreakingPOORLY. Like this post if you like it. Follow me if you like it and several others, or you just see potential in me. I may have a Machete Kills review coming up. If not, my next review will be of Bad Grandpa. Until then…

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