It’s official. Ben Affleck is Batman. And according to the internet, there is officially no hope for humanity. As you may know, I’m personally fine with the choice. I think Affleck will make a good Batman (probably) and I’m still very much looking forward to Batman Vs. Superman. But now that feels like the time to compare the already-released Batman movies and see which ones hold up the best. You probably already know what the best and worst are, but the in-between is a bit of a mystery. And yes, I will be including the Adam West movie, as well as Mask of the Phantasm, the only animated Batman movie to be released theatrically. So, there will be nine Batman movies on this list. Let’s begin with one of the worst movies of all time.

#9: Batman and Robin

Ew

Well, let’s just look at the facts. The movie, which has a 12% on Rotten Tomatoes, was nominated for eleven Razzie Awards, and when I say “eleven,” I mean “all eleven.” The only movies to beat this record are Jack and Jill, which won all eleven categories, and Showgirls, for which they basically added two more categories. And while those movies certainly were terrible, they pale in comparison to this atrocious piece of shit that Joel Schumacher dares to call a Batman movie. GRADE: F-

#8: Batman Forever

Pictured: Batman Forever’s only redeeming qualities

Fuck you, Joel Schumacher. I’m not even overreacting here. Joel Schumacher ruined the Batman franchise SO MUCH, that Warner Brothers had to spend fifteen years looking for someone who could fix it. Of course, they did eventually find Chris Nolan, who has become one of my favorite directors, despite The Dark Knight Rises. As you can see from my caption, there were really only two good things about this movie. One, Val Kilmer, who is my second-favorite Batman, behind Michael Keaton. And two, Jim Carrey as the Riddler. This was just an all-around perfect casting choice. And while this Riddler was quite annoying for about half the movie, he was still the only thing that made this movie possible. So, Schumacher found a great Batman, and got one of my favorite comedians to play the Riddler, and it still sucked. Fuck you, Joel Schumacher. GRADE: D+. Also, some of you might be wondering who I think should play the Riddler in an upcoming Batman movie. Honestly, my top picks would be David Tennant and Neil Patrick Harris, another two of my favorite actors. We’ll see how that turns out.

#7: The Dark Knight Rises

“Riose”

I’m going to be totally honest with you. The only reason I put this ahead of Batman Forever was so fanboys wouldn’t bomb my house. God, I hate this movie. I hate everything that’s every been said in favor of this movie. It’s goofy, it’s confusing, it’s sloppy, it’s just all-around bad. But the worst part, the WORST part of this movie is that it was supposed to be a follow-up to one of the best movies ever made, The Dark Knight. I can not stand Bane in this movie. He’s just annoying and hard to look at. Plus, he’s not really big enough to be Bane. Also, HE’S FUCKING BRITISH! I hate this movie and everything it stands for. I wish everyone who liked this movie would just watch it again and try to look for problems. I did, and I found at least two in EVERY SINGLE SCENE. I also can’t believe we’re letting Nolan make Batman vs. Superman after this terrible, terrible movie. GRADE: D-

#6: Batman Returns

The squirrel The lion The platypus The cockroach

When Tim Burton’s Batman came out in 1989, audiences loved it. So much so that soon after its release, Burton started working on a sequel. From there, rumors started flying. In fact, everyone was pretty sure that Robin was going to be in this movie, and they were disappointed that he wasn’t. After about three years, the sequel finally arrived, and was met with a resounding “Whaaaaaaaaaaaat?” Yes, this may not have been a bad movie, but it certainly was strange. With the Penguin and Catwoman as the villains, this was a dark, disturbing tale, kinda like everything Burton did from then on. But it definitely wasn’t bad. Danny DeVito was a perfect choice to play the Penguin, and Michael Keaton gave another excellent performance as Batman. GRADE: C+

#5: Batman: the Movie

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

You may be thinking, how could this movie possibly be any good? Well, it’s hilarious. And not just in a campy way, either. There are a few moments in this movie that are genuinely, intentionally funny. Mostly in a campy way, though. While there is a lot not to like about this movie, like Cesar Romero’s Joker, I would still recommend it. GRADE: B-

#4: Batman Begins

 

If The Dark Knight were called “Batman Continues,” it would have been even better.

Batman Begins is exactly what you’d think it is. Well, most of you saw it, so you probably know what it is. But whatever. The point is, Batman Begins is really good. Not as good as the other three movies on this list, but really good. It’s a bit messy and is far from flawless, but overall, it’s really good. I really don’t have anything else to say about it. Just see it. GRADE: B+

#3: Batman: Mask of the Phantasm

It’s Batmen within Batmen.

Some of you may not have heard of Mask of the Phantasm. It’s the only animated Batman movie to be released theatrically. AND IT’S AWESOME! While not as good as some of the live-action movies (you know which ones), it’s still a highly entertaining movie and the last good Batman movie that would come out for twelve years. You should definitely see this movie if you can figure out how to. It’s great. GRADE: A-

#2: Batman

 

The weirdest Batman poster I could find.

I’m not going to sugar coat anything here. Batman is awesome. End of story. Michael Keaton is the best Batman ever and Jack Nicholson is… Jack Nicholson. It’s not that Nicholson isn’t a good Joker, it’s just that he’s not the Joker. He’s Jack Nicholson. Still, this is a fantastic movie that doesn’t feel the need to dumb things down for children (unlike a certain talentless director whose name sounds like “jowl shoe maker”). This is not only my second-favorite Batman movie, this is my favorite Tim Burton movie. See this movie. Now. It’s fantastic. GRADE: A

And the best Batman movie of all time is…

#1: The Dark Knight

 

Pictured: one of the best things.

Yeah, I think we all saw this coming. The Dark Knight is not only the best Batman movie, and not only the best superhero movie, but one of the best movies of all time. And that’s not just my personal opinion. The movie has the sixth highest rating of any movie on IMDb, and Roger Ebert gave it four stars out of four. Entertainment Weekly ranked it #78 on their list of the best movies of all time, and called it one of the best movies of the decade. Heath Ledger won the second-ever posthumous acting Oscar for his role as the Joker, who Empire named the third-greatest character in the history of film. Empire also called it the fifteenth greatest movie of all time. It was nominated for 8 Oscars, the most of any comic book movie. Ledger’s Best Supporting Actor win was the first time any comic book movie had won a major Oscar. The AMPAS had to start having ten Best Picture nominees instead of five after backlash because The Dark Knight wasn’t nominated for Best Picture. It’s the sixteenth-highest grossing movie of all time. I could go on. The point is, this is one of the best movies ever, and you should definitely check it out. GRADE: A+

So, those are my favorite Batman movies. I’ll have those Futurama articles out next week. From there, I may take a little break. After that, articles, articles, articles. Until then…

End transmission.

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