Last week, in my Kick-Ass 2 review, I mentioned that people have been asking me what my favorite movies are. Another thing people have been asking me: what my least favorite movies are. Once again, you’ll probably have to wait a while for those, but at the end of the year, I will be doing a list of the 5 best, 5 worst, and 5 most forgettable movies of the year. Up until very recently, A Haunted House, the latest abomination from the Wayans brothers, was at the top of my list of the worst. But I’m happy to announce that its spot has finally been taken over, and I officially have a definitive top five. What movie, the dumbest of you may be asking? Take a wild guess.
Yes, it’s Planes, the latest movie from the fine folks at DisneyToon Studios. You probably already know my thoughts on DisneyToon, so you can imagine my disdain for this movie. But it exceeded my expectations by far. That’s right, ladies and gentlemen, Planes is one of the SHITTIEST movies I have ever seen. And I’ve seen some bad movies. Just off the top of my head, Batman and Robin, Robots, North, and so forth. This movie definitely belongs among the aforementioned ones.
Don’t get me wrong. I loved Cars. I even liked Cars 2. I thought that they were both well-handled movies that kept the stereotypes and car puns to a minimum. This movie, on the other hand, is built entirely on stereotypes and plane puns. Sure, there’s some kind of plot, but it’s been done so many times that it feels more like a genre than a plot. I mean, at least Cars and Cars 2 ripped off specific movies (Doc Hollywood and The Man Who Knew Too Little, respectively). This plot has been done SO MANY TIMES that it’s just lazy of them to use it again. I mean, there are songs that use this plot. SONGS. You know what songs don’t tend to have? A very good plot. Big Time Rush has this plot, and it’s a TV SHOW! Every medium has a thousand examples of this exact plot!
But that’s not all. One thing I love about the Cars movies is that they actually made me like a character played by Larry the Cable Guy. And that is no easy task. This movie’s task was even harder: make me like a character played by Dane Cook, whom I’ve openly stated is the second most annoying person in the world, behind Justin Bieber. Did it succeed? Not even close. While he’s nowhere near as annoying as Dane Cook is in real life, he’s just too bland a character to be at all likable. And don’t even get me started on the side characters. Now, let’s get started on the side characters.
Let’s start with Skipper (Stacy Keach), who is Dusty’s mentor for about ten minutes, yet is still the second character listed on Wikipedia. He’s the Hudson Hornet from Cars, basically. Actually, he’s sort of the opposite. You see, at first everyone celebrates him like he’s a war hero. But then they find out that he was barely in the Air Force at all. Also, they never mention what war he was in. Other than that, though, he is exactly the same as the Hudson Hornet. Other side characters include Dottie, who is Sally, Chug, who is Mater, and the rest of the cast is made up of odd stereotypes that still feel offensive even though they were voiced by people of the correct races. Also, there’s Ripslinger, who is Chick Hicks.
Another thing I didn’t like was the fact that Dusty would keep saying that he wanted to do more than what he was built for. First of all, that’s WALL-E’s tagline. Second of all, he was built? By what? Does this confirm the theory that Cars, Cars 2, and Planes all take place while the humans are away in that Walmart spaceship from WALL-E? But that doesn’t make sense, because a lot of the landmarks are car/plane-ified and I think they say the year at some point. Was he built by cars? By some kind of plane-god? What the fuck is this?
This movie is laughably bad. I can not believe that anyone in their right mind enjoyed this movie and I especially don’t believe that my older brother enjoyed it. It seems like they weren’t even trying, like this whole movie was just a cash grab. I feel like they just took everything that even resembled a joke and put it in to the script, and then they all failed miserably. I think I may have laughed once during this horrid piece of shit. I wouldn’t be surprised if this movie was ad-libbed, especially since pretty much everything remotely funny came from John Cleese’s character, Bulldog.
Overall, I give this movie an F. If you want a good laugh at a movie’s expense, go see it. I don’t think this Three Flavors retrospective will be out by the end of the week. I’ll do it as soon as possible. Hard at work on my “Survival” review, gearing up for a ranking of the Batman movies. From there, we’ll have to wait and see.